You Know You're Getting Old When...

... your friends start having babies on purpose.

And getting engaged.

And getting married.

And moving in together.

And planning weddings.

And beginning careers.

And being done with uni.

And having boyfriends...

Ugh.  I know I shouldn't compare myself to others because it never ends well, but its like, they're all engaged, or in long term relationships, doing all or some of the above, and I am happy for them, I really am. 

But here I am, sitting at home, with 3 cats.  #foreveralone much?  (I'm sorry, I promise I'll never use a hashtag again on blogspot... it's just heinous, but you can't write that phrase without a hashtag... it's just not right).  Single for 2 years.  Not that I neeeeed a man.  But it would be nice sometimes you know?  To stop showing up to things alone.

Sometimes I feel like I'm emotionally stunted or something.  Like there is some big conspiracy about relationships that everyone else gets, but it just baffles me.  I feel like Sheldon haha!  (Big Bang Theory reference... sorry if you're not a fan). 

I get some comfort in the fact that Taylor Swift is the same age as me and also hasn't settled down yet... but at least she's had relationships haha!  What else would she write her music about!? :P

Sigh.  I hope something will happen one day.

Lost.

What do you do with yourself when the things with which you occupied your time are suddenly gone?  Most normal people would embrace summer, when uni/school stops, when you get a chance to breathe before delving back into the madness of semester time full of assignments, work, reading, study, and such.  They'd hang with friends, work, tan, shop, have fun, drink, party, live.

I kind of feel at a loss as what to do.  Then our internet stops working (small town problems) and I feel like I've lost a limb!  Especially when waiting on news from a loved one about major surgery, with minimal other means of communication!!  Anyway, I deviate.

I'm not bored, don't get me wrong.  I go for a walk every morning with my mum, our dog, and our neighbour.  I'm learning more about the town I now call home (albeit reluctantly at first) and exploring different parts.  

I do most of the cooking, and baking at my house at the moment (and probably for the foreseeable future) because of my mum's dicky knee and hand.  

My friends have been wonderful coming over to visit, each mostly staying the night on our blow up mattress, and watching movies and stuff because I can't afford to take them all out to do stuff.  But usually it involves frozen yoghurt, and boutique chocolate shop.

I'm working most weekends, which I really love - I work with amazing people and we always have such fun.  I'm looking forward to the whole summer with them.

It's just... everyone is doing stuff.  And I'm at home.  Doing nothing more than working a few shifts per weekend.  And I'm getting cynical and angsty and blah.

I don't even know what the point of this post was.  I got distracted half way thru writing by the season finale of Cougar Town (guilty pleasure).  So yeah.  Lost my train of thought.  Sorry.

The Eternal Optimist

I seem to be able to be really optimistic for other people.  I always tell them what the bright side is, or the silver linings to their conundrums.  I can easily find good things in other peoples' situations, and I'm glad I can help them like that.

But I really can't seem to see my own.  Huh.

Humbled.

I'm trying to be modest, but no matter how I say this, it's going to sound like I'm tooting my own horn, so here goes.  This semester, at my university, I have won three things.  THREE.  I normally win nothing, ever.  

And this is all the more shocking to me because it is university. 

I mean, I won things at school, nothing ever major, but still certificates and such, because there were 800 students in the school.  Total.  My chances of winning stuff for participation and 'endeavour' (f'in PC rubbish) were reasonably high.

I NEVER, EVER thought I would win ANYTHING from university, because there are around 22,000 students.  And I thought all of them would be way better than me at everything, that I would struggle through my degree, get to the other side, and begin working, having been a nobody at university, my only recognition being a piece of paper that said Hanna Jackson, Bachelor of Arts - Criminology and Anthropology.

Don't get me wrong, I kind of still AM a nobody.  But I'm a nobody with 3 awards.  While they may seem small, or trivial, they seem big to me because they come from university.  Which is way harder than school, and more competitive.

Let me set the scene.  It's February 2011, and I'm crapping myself because my first year of university is about to begin. I get there, I love it, hate my hall of residence because it was antisocial and I met pretty much noone.  

Flash forward to June, first semester has gone well, I passed with an A in one subject even!  I began to get sick in June.  Started the flare up that was to be my worst.  My grades fell, got worse, I wasn't even sure I was going to pass French (I did, with B-, I don't even know how), I finished my exam at the end of October and FLEW into full time work for summer.

Flash forward to New Years Eve, I'm bedridden for the next month, and not from any ill-fated drinking.  I'm so, so sick.  Then I started getting better in February 2012, after drs appointments, hopsital visits, medication and procedures.  My first semester of 2012 was concentrated on "getting better" and coping, all the while still working one day a week.

Now this semester, this is where the good stuff happens.  I quit my job, I'm in the swing of study, I decide to volunteer with the Disability Services to take notes for impaired students in my classes, because my friends are always telling me how amazing my notes are, so why not share?  I also decided to sign up with Disability Services myself, so that, should I ever need their help if I got really ill again, I'd already be signed up with them.  I viewed this as a sort of give and take relationship.  I was giving back by volunteering.

Fast forward to October, and I get an email informing me I'm receiving an "Outstanding Volunteer of the Year 2012" award for my note taking.  This blew me away, firstly because at that stage, I'd only been notetaking for 7 weeks; not even the full year!  And also, getting recognition for something like this is so amazing.  And completely unexpected.  I got a lovely certificate, and a beautiful book (I REALLY LOVE BOOKS), and had a wonderful evening at the 'Council Chambers' at university, which I didn't even know existed but are really pretty, with nice food and my parents were even allowed to come - they were so proud.  There were ten of us who got the award, but it's still very special because I volunteered for the good of it, not for want of recognition.

Me with my Outstanding Volunteer of the Year Award 2012

Then, this week in Criminology class, it was our final lecture, and our lecturer puts up a slide in class announcing award winners, for like the best essay, and the best marks on the test, etc.  She gets to the category at the bottom, for "Contribution in Class"... and voila!  My name is there.  I'm sitting smack bang in the middle of the lecture theatre going "omg what?!" while my friends are laughing at me.  Apparently this award is given out based on feedback from tutors, and participation in the lectures (like answering questions and stuff) and from my tute, my tutor picked me and Lizzy, the lecturer, agreed!  WHATTTT.  So that was pretty cool.  Not majorly prestigious or anything, but to be noticed out of a class of 200-ish, is somewhat surprising.  I must really make an impact hahaha.  I also got a lovely block of chocolate as a prize hehe.  It's sitting in my drawer staring at me, going "eat me, eat me!"

Finally, today, something ELSE amazing happened.  A few weeks ago I had submitted an application for something called an Access Award, something you get given for overcoming adversity and illness/disability/impairment, approaching your study with a positive attitude, with marked improvement in your grades and results.  I wasn't sure about entering, since I personally don't consider Crohn's to be a disability, but it does affect my financial circumstances.  Anyway, I applied for this award thinking "I'm not sure I even qualify, so I'm not going to tell anyone I'm applying because then they won't be disappointed if I don't get anything, but I'll apply anyway because I have nothing to lose in doing so".  So I did.

AND I FREAKING WON.  There were several winners, obviously, but I won a part of it!  I get a sum of money toward financial costs/whatever I want.  I am SO happy because I've been so stressed about how I'm going to pay for the new tyres on my car (since I don't officially have a job at the moment) and this solves it!  And I'll still have a decent amount left over to put into my savings.  I actually cried when I got the email this morning because I genuinely didn't think I'd get anything, and was just kind of ho-hum about it.  

So these three things have made this semester my best semester so far, even if my grades have been a bit poor... (poor by my standards being under a B+ haha).  And I don't mean to be immodest by talking about it, but I'm just SO thrilled and ecstatic and wanted to finally share some good news on my blog, because there isn't enough good news in this world

For a Bit of Fun...

50 Questions You've Never Been Asked 

 

1. What's your favorite candle scent? 
I love vanilla or anything berry

 
2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister?

Probably Taylor Swift... we'd have so much fun baking and talking about cats. :P  Katy Perry and Kate Walsh would be awesome older sisters.

 
3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?

Ooh I don't know.  Nobody hot, because it would be SO wrong to fancy them.  Maybe Jack Black or Steve Carrell cos they're hilarious.

4. How old do you think you'll be when you get married?

Old enough haha.  If it ever happens.  I hope late 20s early 30s?

5. Do you know a hoarder?

Not that I can think of.

 
6. Can you do a split?

Not anymore! :(  

 
7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?

Like 4 or 5?

 
8. How many oceans have you swam in?

I actually hate swimming in the ocean.  And I don't even know the names of the ones I've swum in haha but I've swum at beaches around NZ, also South East Asia, Greece, France...

 
9. How many countries have you been to?

Now this I DO keep tabs on!  I've been to 29!

 
10. Is anyone in your family in the army?

Yes my Dad used to be.  

 
11. What would you name your daughter if you had one?

Cadence, or Cassidy for first names.  Lily (for my Nan) or Gabriella (for my Mum) for second names.

12. What would you name your son if you had one?

I don't know!  Maybe something traditional.

 
13. What's the worst grade you got on a test?

Ohhh uhm.  I got a C for an assignment at college last year.  From school, I failed some chemistry papers and statistics papers.  

 
14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?

Ooh I liked a lot.  I really loved Full House when I was younger.  And then Lizzie Maguire.

 
15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?

We don't really celebrate Halloween in NZ, so I never dressed up as anything.

 
16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?

Only Harry Potter.

 
17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?

British.  Duh.

18. Did your mother go to college?

No, not until she was in her late 30s, and she didn't complete it.

 
19. Are your grandparents still married?

Yes, both sets, although my Pop died in 2004.

 
20. Have you ever taken karate lessons?

No, but I took jiu-jitsu for a while.

 
21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?

Of course!  He's the best!

 
22. What's the first amusement park you've been to?

Rainbows End in Auckland, NZ.

 
23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?

Well English is my native language, and I know a lot of French so it would be nice to be fluent in that, and also Spanish, because I wanted to learn that but my school didn't offer it, so I took French instead.

 
24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray?

Grey

 
25. Is your father bald?

No

 
26. Do you know triplets?

Yes

 
27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?

Well probably The Notebook, although I've only seen it once and I don't remember it terribly well.  But Titanic, it's just sooooo long!  

 
28. Have you ever had Indian food?

Of course - I love it!

 
29. What's the name of your favorite restaurant?

I don't have a favourite favourite, but I love Arzum Turkish Kebabs which is like half an hour from my house.  Amazing.

 
30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden?

No, didn't go there when I was in USA, and we don't have them here in NZ.

 
31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ's, etc.)?

We don't really have those in NZ either.  Probably the equivalent is Moore Wilsons, and I don't belong there lol.

 
32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?

They actually hadn't picked a boys name, so lucky I came out a girl.  I was almost called Emma though.

 
33. If you have a nickname, what is it?

Little J, Han, or Hanna-Banana

 
34. Who's your favorite person in the world?

That's a hard one.  Just one person?  Can't do it.  Too many amazing people in my life.

 
35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?

I like suburbs, being close to friends and family and not having to travel 1/2 an hour for most things is nice haha

 
36. Can you whistle?

Yes

 
37. Do you sleep with a nightlight?

Haha no.

 
38. Do you eat breakfast every morning?

Try to!  I don't think I've skipped in a year or two.

 
39. Do you take any pills or medication daily?

Yes

 
40. What medical conditions do you have?

Crohns' disease, chronic compartment syndrome of the lower legs, RSI (or OOS) in my right wrist, asthma, eczema...

 
41. How many times have you been to the hospital?

Never been admitted overnight or anything, but I've been a few times as a day patient.

 
42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?

YES I love that movie!

 
43. Where do you buy your jeans?

Farmers

 
44. What's the last compliment you got?

That I'm have a beautiful soul and am an amazing friend.  *shucks*

 
45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?

Only if they are really bad or really good.

 
46. What flavor tea do you enjoy?

Blackcurrant apple tea.

 
47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?

Not enough haha.  I have chucks, sneakers, jandals, like 2 pairs of sandals, wedges, high heels, boots.  That's it.

 
48. What religion will you raise your children to practice?

Whatever they want to practice.  I will let them choose to have one or not.

 
49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn't real?

Maybe when I was like 7 or 8?

50. Why do you have a tumblr? 

Because I can! :P And because I love making a space where it is totally me.

A Bit Lost

I'm not sure what's going on with me right now.

I do know I'm really mad at myself.

I do know I look like shit.

I do know I'm trying my best.

I do know that I want to cry at the stupidest, tiniest things.

I do know I'm stressed about uni work.

I don't know how to stop.

But I'm aware of this.  And I'm not going back to 2007.  Ever.

Apologies

Wow my last post was bitchy.

I'm sorry.

I'm very stressed.  I just don't need people telling me they think they have it worse than me, because they really don't know what else is going on. 

I can't wait for the holidays.... ASDFGHJKL 3 more weeks of class and then FREEDOM.  Well... "study leave" then an exam then FREEDOM!  For 6 days.  Then work.  -_-

One Upping.

It's so annoying.

When I want to have a pity party, and feel sorry for my predicament with my essay, I don't need people going "well I'm in your situation AND I'm working on another essay simulatneously/working 20 hours a day everyday/saving the f*ckin' whole world". 

I DON'T CARE.  Let me feel sorry for myself, because the sooner I do, the sooner I end my pity party and get on with the essay that created the said pity party.  I don't need your crap to deal with tooooooooo.

Seriously pissing me off.  You don't know shit about what else I've got on my plate, but I don't go around bragging about it like some martyr.

endrant.


(clarification - not directed at anyone in particular, just feeling in a bad mood in general)

Anticipation

On another note, there is finally some WARMER weather and I'm super doooooooooper excited for what this means!

Summer!
Sunshine!
BBQs!
Friends!
Christmas!
Family!
Fun!
Swimming!
Holidays!
Rivers!

Alas, I'm not sure how much of this I will be around to enjoy.

Last summer, I worked November/December, a lot.  Burnt out.  Got really, REALLY sick.  Spent the January in bed, and February recovering enough to start 2nd year of uni in March.

I have learned my lesson.  Don't work so hard.  The workplace will NOT collapse without me.  Take my medication.  Eat properly - noodles don't count.

Anyway, this is besides the point I wanted to MAKE in this blog post.

I'm excited about summer!!!  But I have some news.  I just emailed my uncle my CV, and he knows people at this fruit orchard who might hire me for the whole summer.  The catch... it's in Hawkes Bay.  Which is about 2.5 hours from where I live.  And about 3.5 hours from where most of my friends live.

So yeah.  We shall see where this goes.  I'm not sure, but I hope I do get to work, because it'll be lots of hours, and money to pay my parents back what I owe, and save for a trip next winter to Rarotonga to escape the cold.

Cross your fingers for me?  Both that it's the right decision, and that I make enough money haha.  :)

Growing Up

Sometimes I want to be more grown up.  Move out.  Have a life about which I don't really speak to my parents.  Have a long term relationship.  Have a pet.  Live in a cute apartment.  Work full time.  Be independent.  Go on dinner dates (if there is a lack of aforementioned relationship).  Be cultured.  Drink wine.

But then I remember. I like living at home.  I like talking to my parents.  I don't mind being alone.  I already have 4 pets at home.  I live in a cute house.  I don't work, to focus on my studies.  I'm yet to graduate.  I am reasonably independent; I have my own car, I can come and go as I please.  And I don't like wine.

Thus I am torn.  Do I really want to grow up?

There are some parts of a perceived "grown up" life to which I am drawn, but then these come with responsibilities, and other such unpleasantries.

I guess this is an in between phase.  

I promised myself, and my parents, that I would move out of home by the age of 25.  I have 3 more years.  I guess I should savour it.  I graduate at the end of next year.  Then that gives me a year and a half to find a job, work, save, move out, and get a life.

But then I also plan to move to Europe for a while, perhaps with my cousin Laura, dependent on timing and finances and such, sooo I don't know.

There are so many opportunities, and as I have said before, so much to do, so little time.

I guess I see people my own age, and younger, already graduated, moved out of home, being "grown ups", with careers, boyfriends with whom they have been for many years already, and they seem to have life sorted out.  They know what they're doing, what they want, who they want.  And I guess I'm a little jealous of their certainty and that they have everything sussed.  

I mean, this view that they have life sorted is a sweeping generalisation, and in fact I'm sure the people to whom I am referring in my minds eye have a myriad of problems and so forth that they simply do not broadcast, and they live in spite of their issues.

I just need to work out how to do the same.

Who I am.

Something has been bugging me about some of the people I have 'met' who share the IBD diagnosis.  The first thing they say, is along the lines of "Hi, I'm a Crohnie" or "I have UC" or something.  Like it's the first thing about them.  Like the disease defines them.  Like IBD isn't just something they have, it's who they are.  I mean, I know it's understandable in an IBD support forum, but I'm talking about outside of that.  It baffles me.

Now I don't know about you, but I find this whole thing disturbing.  I don't want to be defined by my illness.  It is not the sum of my entire being, so why would I make it one of the first things I say about myself?!  I want people to know me, and if they like me, then I will tell them about this other facet of my life.  I don't want it to scare them off in the first moments. 

I guess I feel like if it was an identifying factor of my life, it would be all consuming, and I wouldn't be me.  I couldn't be normal, because my whole being would be based on my abnormality.  And that's uncool.

I am not a Crohnie.
I HAVE Crohn's disease.

IT does not have ME.  And it never will.

So Much to Do, So Little Time

It's the ever present conundrum of life in the modern world. 

We are fortunate enough to be born into societies that are full of opportunities.  With a bit of luck, hard work, determination (or in my case, stubbornness) and searching, we can find opportunities to do things others can't even begin to dream of, and the possibilities are endless. 

Enter my conundrum.  And the conundrum of so many people I know.  Sometimes, it's simpley overwhelming.  There are so many things to do and see, but time is limited, as are funds!

If I had my way, every dream I have, every plan I make, would definitely come to fruition.  There have been many plans I made which haven't happened.  Many things I thought about doing, but never did.  I don't necessarily regret not doing them, but am instead grateful that I thought about them, and then decided against them, as it allowed me to come up with even greater plans.

Case in point is my holiday in 2009, to a 46 day 22 country Contiki around Europe.  Best time of my life.  Seriously.  Followed by (and here's where the dreaming and planning enters... not that Contiki wasn't dreamed/planned about, but that was more for me) 8 days in Salt Lake City, UT, USA.

You see, I have these wonderful friends, who I met online.  It's not as dodgy as it sounds, trust me haha.  I had never met them in real life, but I had wanted to and promised one day I would.  And then I DID!  And it was amazing.  Contiki was a last minute idea, in which I ended up with approx 7 months to save up to pay for it and my spending money.  But this plan, which started as a dream, to go to SLC to see my friends, it had always been there in the back of my mind, waiting for a time to say "Hey, now's a good opportunity to do this!". 

Finally accomplishing the niggling dream in the back of my mind was incredible.  I had a blast, and it was so nice to be able to put faces to names in person!

Anyway, back to my conundrum.  I haven't really travelled since then.  And you'll find a lot of my plans involve travel, because yes, I do indeed have the travel bug.  I'm greedy, and I want to see and do more, and I don't think I'll ever be satisfied.  However, the means and funds of doing this are limited.

But in the immediate future (my 5 year ish plan) I have the following ideas...

• Roadtrip to Whakatane with one of my closest friends Jeremy (hi Jeremy, if you're reading this!) in Feb 2013 for 5ish days - we've both never been there.
• Travel to a Pacific Island (Rarotonga, or Vanuatu or something) with my 2 CRIM friends in Winter 2013 - for 5ish days in mid-year holidays.
• Complete a postgraduate year on top of my BA; either Honours, or a Postgrad Diploma.
• Return to Malaysia (my 2nd home) for a visit after I graduate, which will be end of 2014 if I do post-grad, end of 2013 if I don't.
• Get a job and work/save/move out of home - at least 2 or 3 years.  Planned to be out of home by the time I'm 25 though :)
• Move to the UK (possibly with my cousin - our 5 yearish plans almost match up time wise, and we both want to do this! :D) and do more Europe travel and work.
• Possibly teaching English in Poland (thru AIESEC) or France for a while.

Of course, these are all ideas, but most of them WILL happen at some stage, because I've been sitting on the idea for a long time.

Just remember, you can't have goals and plans if you don't have dreams and ideas first... so get dreaming!

You Learn Something New Everyday.

Today I learned more about Crohn's.  Which, if you haven't read my past blogs, I have.  To be honest I never really knew the technicalities of it, nor had I heard of TNF.  My Dr isn't the greatest for bedside manner, including a lack of explanations.  More a "You've got this.  Here's a booklet about it.  Here's some drugs.  See you in 6 weeks" kind of guy.  Which is hard.  And not ideal. 

I met another gastroenterologist from my local hospital when I was having an iron infusion, and one of the first things he said to me was "it's so unfair, and it sucks a lot that you have this disease".  I almost cried.  The first time in 4+ years, the first time EVER that a doctor had announced that yes, indeed it did suck.  It was like verification for the feelings.  Thank you Dr Stein.  Truly.  For validating my feelings, when I thought "it mustn't be that big a deal since my Dr doesn't seem to think so, why am I so sad about it?" and felt like a freak for feeling gutted.  (This makes me think about my anthropology class this week, and feeling rules and expression rules.  Look up Hochschild if you're interested.)

ANYWAY.  The whole point of this blog, was to share some info from a link I just read about an Olympian going for a gold medal in London, who has Crohn's.  Which in itself is amazing and inspiring and beyond comprehension.  I'm so happy for her.

In this article, it gives a lovely, concise, non-jargon-filled explanation of Crohn's.  I'm always looking for ways to explain it.  So I thought I would put it here for safe keeping.

"Crohn's disease is named after Dr. Burrill Crohn who, along with two colleagues, recognized and documented the symptoms in 1932.

 

Crohn's disease is an autoimmune disease of the digestive tract that most often affects the small or large intestines, and sometimes both.

According to the CDC, Crohn's is "a condition of chronic inflammation potentially involving any location of the gastrointestinal tract, but it frequently affects the end of the small bowel and the beginning of the large bowel. In Crohn's disease, all layers of the intestine may be involved and there can be normal healthy bowel between patches of diseased bowel."

In a healthy body, the immune system creates an infection-fighting protein called tumor necrosis factor. When Crohn's disease is present, TNF is produced in excess as the immune system mistakenly identifies healthy bacteria as a foreign presence.

This causes the body to launch an attack and begin fighting the excess TNF, which leads to more inflammation, which results in more TNF.

As this internal battle takes place, it causes severe pain, abdominal swelling, cramping, bleeding, diarrhea and deterioration of the affected portion of the intestinal tract."

Source: http://edition.cnn.com/2012/08/07/health/crohns-disease-explained/index.html

100 steps forward...

...1 step backwards.  A very large one.

Please just be a stumble.  Not a fall.   

I don't want a relapse, another flare, another few months of my life taken by illness. 

I know I'm still so lucky, in comparison to others.  I have little to no pain, ever.  I haven't had surgery.  I'm only on 6 pills twice a day, which are weak anti inflammatories - none of the chemo injection infusion crap that my friends are going through.  I don't have a bag.  I don't throw up much (not since my January flare).  I can eat most things.  I'm not underweight (thank you very much steroids -_- ).  I don't *look* sick.

I have so much to be grateful for.

I'm still pursuing my life at university.  I'm still getting good grades.  I'm still independent (well, as much as you can be living at home!)  I have a social life.  I'm having fun.  I've got dreams, and goals, and plans. 

If I flare up now, in semester time, I can kiss all of that goodbye.

Except the dreams.  I've always got dreams.

Please, please don't flare.

Under Pressure

*insert YouTube clip of song here*  So yeah.  Feel like I'm living in a pressure cooker, and it's not even a mad time of semester.  It's just things feel like they are bigger than they actually are, and it's like cool, just add something else to my never ending list.  

There's SO much to read, especially for my Buddhism paper, it's so overwhelming, and now my notes are needed for that class too, for disabled students who can't take their own notes... and then Anthropology readings (which is more like psychology, which makes it immensely harder and more boring) for which I have to write an assignment, and Criminology, well that's my easier subject I guess.  Because I still love it, and it relies a lot on what was learned last semester.  So I'm cruising at the moment.  Still behind on my notes though.  -_-  

Anthropology used to be my favourite subject... now I'm not enjoying it.  Maybe it's this paper, and that it's seriously psychological, and it's totally over my head (and my tutor is scary, so I don't even want to talk to her!) or maybe it's the lecturer?  I don't know.  Hal is usually pretty good, although severely disorganised.  If I can just stick this paper out, and pass, then I get to do the fun stuff next year....

But in the meantime... ARGH.

As for Buddhism, I wasn't dreading it, but I wasn't looking forward to it either.  It's not so bad.  It's growing on me.  I've already learned a lot.  But there's just SO much to read.  I keep saying this, but honestly, I can't stress this point enough.  Feels like I should be doing a Law degree with this much reading.  

Sigh.   After this semester... One more year... one more year.... one more year...

Productive Yet... Not?

Today has been a bit of a mixed bag.  I'm not sure if I've been productive or not. 

I was hoping to do lots of uni work, but instead I helped vacuum and rearrange the lounge. Then I went to the supermarket to do the groceries for my family.  Fluffed around there waiting for the car to get a warrant of fitness (Dad was doing that while I was getting groceries).  We killed time in the library.  I got a book out.  A fun book, instead of a uni one, which made a nice change.

Then we came home, I unpacked the groceries, baked double fudge brownie muffins, and banana oatmeal cranberry chocolate chip muffins (both recipes on my other blog www.hannasedibleescapades.blogspot.co.nz - follow me!  Strangely I have 7 followers on my personal blog, but only 2 on my public?  Weird haha.) and then cooked tuna pasta bake (the latest post on my food blog).  I feel like I haven't really sat down since then.

Now it's almost time for bed... well... drawing close to 9pm.  Which in an ideal world, I'd be in bed by 9.30 pm and asleep by 10, so when I get up at 5.45am, I feel refreshed, which I never do.

AND I HAVEN'T TOUCHED MY STUDY.

Now you may think I'm going all "Hermione" about my study, but really, I need to do some - I have an assignment due next week, then two weeks after that a major essay, plus I've fallen behind on my notes (which I have to give to people in one of my classes with disabilities - it's volunteering thingymabob) and ahhhhhhh so much to do.  So many readings.  So many notes.

Yet as I say all this, I realise how stupid it is that I'm sitting online writing this blog when I *could* be doing what I just mentioned.  Duh.  I do love to procrastinate.  It's a real problem.  :(

A Month Flies

It's already been a month since my last blog?!  Where did the time go?!  I'm honestly so slack at writing this blog, I guess I don't have the passion for it anymore.  But it's nice to still have it and be able to write and vent when I need to. 

A lot has happened in a month.  If you're not my friend on FB, or a follower on Twitter or Tumblr, then you probably don't know I quit my job, and my family got a puppy.  Two major happenings.  :)  Not really going to talk about the job thing, since it's always said to be a bad idea to talk about work online, and I agree.  You never know who reads your blogs.

As for the puppy, his name is Levi, he's a maltese chihuahua cross, and he is ridiculously adorable.  Here is a picture from bathtime:

And here he is, looking less alien, full fluff:

 

He is about 4 months old, is very playful, is learning tricks and commands very fast, but his toilet training is taking longer.  Less than ideal.   But we love him anyway.  & talk about cheeky!!

We have 3 cats and they don't seem to care too much.  They were wary until they realised they could whack him and he'd run away.  :D

As for my health, since I wrote a lot about it when I was sick, I figure I should probably update.  I'm all good.  Well, as good as I can be, when taking 6 pills twice a day for the rest of my life. 

Funny how things change though.  Back when I was in denial and still not talking about my illness, my day seemed to revolve around my taking of these pills I so loathed (and which, in all honesty, I used to NOT take).  I would dread it, the thought of it consumed me. 

But now, it's just a small part of my day, so routine I barely think about it, doing it on autopilot and then wondering hours later... "did I take my pills this morning?"... hmm.  Funny.

Semester 2 at uni has begun.  I'm doing a paper in Anthropology (culture and experience - quite psychological... -_-), Religious Studies (Buddhism), and Criminology (about crime in NZ).  They are all pretty good.  Although there is a crapload of reading for Buddhism, bordering on torture.

My papers last semester went well, I passed with A-, A-, and B+.  :)   Not bad for someone who was almost dying in January.

Anywho, that's all for now.  I'm sure I'll be back to bitch about something or other soon ish. 

Having a Moment...

It's ok to have moments, so I keep telling people; pity-parties as I call them.  Maybe I should take my own advice and have a moment and be ok with it.  Sometimes I feel like a failure if I do.  I'm supposed to be strong, and I'm stubborn that it's hard to let that fall down. 

It's hard to stay positive all the time.  I think my current moment is mostly about jealousy.  And I know that it's an ugly emotion, and we shouldn't show it.  But I'm jealous because life is so unfair sometimes.

I see all my friends out there, living, having lives, having fun, and I'm at home, not going anywhere or doing anything because I have no money, and I am busy at uni.  Yes, I am accomplishing university, but there are always going to be people with better grades, coping better with their studies, and that's most of my friends.  Which makes me feel useless.

All of my friends are doing amazing at whatever they are doing.  I know a lot of them worked hard for it, but it doesn't make me any less envious.  Some are travelling the world, some are embracing healthier lifestyles, some are graduating, some are getting amazing jobs, some are making an impact just by existing.  Why can't I seem to do this too?

I know people tell me I am helping, I am making a difference... but I certainly don't feel like I am, or like I'm achieving anything.  

I feel like I'm just hovering.  I'm not really living.

Pictures Say It Better Than I Ever Could

Giving Something Back

I was once told that I was selfish.  

I can't remember who, or when, or exactly how.  But the overall impression has stuck with me for years.  It made me feel SO bad.  I didn't think I was a selfish person.  In fact, I used to go out of my way not to be.  And it only took one comment, from one person, to give me a complex about it.  It was said to me again when I was about 18 or 19, by someone who tried to tell me that "although she was a poor student, she still gave to charity"... implying I don't, because I'm too selfish (there was a lot more context that allowed me to draw that conclusion just fyi).  Needless to say, I am no longer in contact with either of those people, because both of them (not just their comments) affected me super negatively, and they drained me emotionally.  You don't need people like that in your life.

So this is also a warning - be careful what you say to people.  You could really affect them.  Never tell anyone they are fat.  Never tell anyone they are selfish.  People just need to be nicer.  But anyway, this isn't a post about that.  That is just background for what I really want to talk about.

Since those comments were made, as I said, I've gone out of my way to make sure noone ever calls me that again.  (and I'm not trying to toot my own horn here btw)

I volunteered for 2+ years at an animal rescue shelter, with gorgeous kitties (and we ended up adopting one!)

We got our other 2 kitties from the local SPCA.

I always give to charities when they are doing street collecting

I was a street collector myself for the Breast Cancer Awareness day

I took part in a day my class held for the "Make Poverty History" campaign when we noticed the bracelet our teacher was wearing from the campaign, and we sold chocolate and things and raised money for it

I always baked stuff for the fundraising bake sales we had at school for charity

I always did the 40hr famine at school

I helped my year group participate in the Relay4Life (I couldn't run myself, I was ill at the time, but I fundraised)

I always donate to causes close to my heart, for people I know, like my friend doing Relay4Life, or my cousins doing a run for Leprosy, or my friends little sisters summer camp, or a local radio DJ doing an alcohol fast in Feb (FebFast), even when I don't have any money.

My family had a sponsor child for a long time

I used to drive my friends all over the place, and they almost never gave me petrol money, but I always offered to take them home anyway.

I was often the sober driver, since I didn't drink anyway.

I can't think of anything else at the moment, but that's just a few of the things I can remember.  As I said, I'm not trying to brag about what I've done.  But I love helping people and animals.  And I love giving back.  Since I've been at university, I have been kind of busy, of course, with study and such.  But I've decided it's time to give back to the university. 

So I signed up to be an international buddy.  What this means is that I get paired with a new international student coming to my university, and I get to email them and answer their questions before they come to NZ, and then when they are here, we get to participate in activities together, and I help show them around and all that jazz.  It sounds quite fun.  It's unpaid, which is fine by me, and you get a participation certificate, but most importantly, you get to make new friends!  Weehoo! :)  I'm looking forward to this!

I also just signed up to be a note taker for the 3 papers I'm taking next semester, in case there is anyone in my class who has a disability that impairs their note-taking skills.  Since I take mahhvelous notes (according to many who have borrowed them haha) I figured why not help others at the same time! :)  It's not much extra work to email a copy of my notes to a co-ordinator who will forward them on to someone who really needs them! :)

So next semester, I begin to give back.  And I'm excited.  There's nothing quite like the high you get from doing that.

Crazy Beans

Well well well.  My blog has been somewhat neglected again.  This simply will not do!  I must find time to write; it is rather theraputic.

What has been going on?  Basically just crazyness.  It has been SO busy, with uni, work and life!  While uni is only 3 days a week, and work 1 day a week, it's been so tiring commuting (1hr each way) each uni day and doing study when I'm not at uni, and working - for a while I was being rostered 2 days a week - both days of the weekend - and just was not coping with that, plus I never got to see my family. 

Uni is going well.  I am really enjoying my criminology course, it's super interesting.  And I'm getting good grades for it, so I'm happy :D  As for Anthropology...well.  Hmm.  I loved it last year, but this paper on Ritual in the Modern World... not so much.  The first lecturer we had (in the first half) left a lot to be desired, and I have no clue what we are supposed to have learned thus far.  Our current lecturer (here for the second half) has been good so far, but I'm still not sure what we are supposed to have learned haha.  And my Judaism Religious Studies paper, it's simply fascinating.  I feel like I haven't learned much, but then I turn around and am able to have long conversations about the impact of Christian anti-Semitism over two thousand millenia that may have contributed to the Holocaust/Shoah.  I would never have been able to talk about that prior to this course haha!

As for work, I still love my job, I love what I do, and I work with some really cool people.  But it seems that work is almost too far from where I live, and what I earn hardly covers the petrol I use to get there and back haha.  So I'm keeping an eye out for something closer to home.  To save petrol and commuting.  If I don't find anything, that's ok too because I would quite like to still have my current job at Christmas, since there are heaps of extra hours and shifts around that time.  Before you jump down my throat though, DON'T WORRY I won't let myself get sick and super run down and stressed out like I did last year!  :)  I have learned my lesson.

Speaking of being sick, which I currently am not really (just tired... and sick of uni essays lol!), my medication is going well, and I've found I'm talking to people more readily about it.  Yesterday, May 16th, I went to an awareness raising event for IBD at Parliament in Wellington.  It was neat, we were all dressed in purple and we made some pictures...

Isn't that cool?! :)  It was the first time I'd ever been to Parliament, and also the first time I'd had anything to do with CCNZ (Crohn's Colitis New Zealand).  I'm glad I went.

That's enough for now.  I'll try not to leave it so long next time.

It's Been A While...!

10 days since my last post... That's a bit slack!  So much for more blog writing!!!  Well, semi-slack.  I HAVE been writing, but on my food blog!  Weehooooo!! I've been having so much fun making stuff for my family, and trying new recipes and experimenting in the kitchen... and after I've cooked, eaten, tidied up, and then WRITTEN about what I've made, I'm too exhausted for my other blog!!!  But that's ok, I guess, because I am still writing!

Tonight I'm making brisket, which is kind of exciting because the only time I had ever heard of brisket was in stereotypes of Jewish families eating brisket.  Also, Howards mom on Big Bang Theory makes a legendary brisket, apparently.  But anywho, my mum bought some beef brisket, and then I investigated how to cook it, and oh my, it's smelling delicious.  Make sure you check out my food blog for the verdict... :)

In other news, university goes back on 5th March (Monday) but I don't have any classes on a Monday so I'm not back until the 6th!!!  I'm super excited about it, although not looking forward to getting up super early for the train.  I will be catching the train in the morning with my dad though, which will be nice.  :)  As for the afternoons, it just depends when my last class of the day is.

It's Mums birthday on Friday, so we're going out for dinner that night, and then on Saturday we're going to the 2nd round of the fair I went to earlier in February, so should be a fun last-weekend-of-freedom-before-uni! :) I'm looking forward to the fair, and going back to the places that were so good last time! :)

OH and another special reason for posting a blog today... it's the TWENTY-NINTH OF FEBRUARY!!  So happy birthday for anyone who only gets their real birthday once every four years, and congratulations to all those newly engaged couples where the girl took the lead and proposed on this most wonderful of leap year days.  :)

As for my health, feeling better, but getting pretty bad moonface at nights now.   Which sucks.  Insomnia is pretty much gone, I sleep so deeply at night now, I don't even notice the cats!  I'm still kinda weak in the legs sometimes, and need to go push-biking or something to build it up.

That's all for now, this was a kinda bitsy blog with no real purpose except verbal diarrhea haha... so yeah.  Rambling.  I promise to have some purpose to my next one. 

Tea & Scones

Mum & I met up with a friend for tea and scones yesterday, and the weather was gorgeous, and the scones were delicious, and the tea was so good.  It was a lovely day.  :)