I shouldn't have to do this.

I should not have to sit here and write a post justifying my life, my choices, and my current situation.  I should not have to defend this.

Yet here I am.

In a similar way of getting fed up when people ask me what my plan is for my life right now (uhhh job hunting, der.), I am also getting increasingly jaded about the many comments, digs, and such that people make about the fact that I, an almost-24-year-old, still live in my parents house.  These tend to run along the lines of I should move out/I should have already moved out/when am I moving out/when am I going to give my parents their space back after raising me/when am I going to stop bludging off them, etc.  You get the point.  Rude.

My response is this.

First of all, it's none of your FREAKING business what I am doing with my life and where I am living.  But seeing as some people seem to want to make it their business, and hassle me about it, I need to vent somewhere, so I'm going to give you some reasons.

I have just finished three years of university.  For those of you who don't know what this means, it means I am in debt up to my fucking eyeballs.  Moving out costs money.  You have to have bond, you have to have money to be able to pay the rent, and you have to have a job so you can CONTINUE to pay said rent, as well as all the utilities, and the cost of setting myself up (i.e. furniture, etc).

In case you didn't notice, I don't have a full time job.  This makes the money issue slightly difficult.  (I lied, I do have a job, but it's once a week, catering, and is barely enough to run my car while I furiously job hunt.  And it's only busy over summer.)  YES I am job hunting, (see previous post) so get off my case about that already.  Telling me to look for a full time job is not helpful, it just pisses me off - don't you think I'm already doing that?!

So not only do I have my student debt, I actually owe my parents money too (not that this is a need-to-know thing, but I guess if I'm gonna throw all my reasons in at this blog, then you can have this one too), so my priority is not only to save some money when I DO get a job, but to pay them back for helping me out over my 3 years at uni, and before that too.  Again, none of your business.

In addition, people seem to quite conveniently forget that I suffer from a CHRONIC ILLNESS.  Many people don't even understand what this means, but to put it simply, it means that things that you do easily, and take for granted, take me a little bit longer, a bit more effort and struggle to accomplish.  So when I do accomplish said things, it's a bit of a big deal. 

Currently, I am in a flare up, which means my chronic illness is active and I am suffering from its more invasive symptoms.  I have been since September 2013.  There is no cure, I will never "get better"... I will just have comparatively better days, and better periods of time in between bad ones.  I will always be on medication for it, and life will never be 'normal'.   It also means a lot more expenses for me, and always will.

This complicates the issue of 'moving out' because I also have worries about living with strangers who wouldn't understand my illness, and I need a place with at least two bathrooms if I am to ever have any peace of mind (in an ideal world, one of the bathrooms would be an ensuite to my own room, thus eliminating my fear of sharing a bathroom and inconveniencing/grossing out anyone else). 

What really pisses me off though, or yanks my chain, if you will, is when people try to tell me what other people my age are doing.  You don't think I don't know this?  You think I don't realise that people are out there living their lives while I'm stuck at home job hunting and trying to start my life? I'm not blind, and I don't need to be told that so-and-so's kid moved out of home when they were 18 and look how fucking amazing their life is right now.  I am NOT that kid.  I am my own person, doing my own thing, and I always will march to the beat of my own drum.  I am fully aware on the things I miss out on because of my illness & current finances, and I don't need to be reminded, thank you very much.  It already bums me out enough as it is.

Just because moving out of home was right for your kid when they were 'x' age, doesn't mean it's right for everyone else.  Did you ever think that your kid was actually sick of you, or hated the atmosphere at home and were unhappy there?  Did it ever occur to you that I actually love my parents, I love my pets, and I love being at home with my family? 

Nevertheless, I did promise my parents that I would move out of home by the time I was 25 years old.  So never fear, judgmental douchebags who try to tell me I shouldn't be living at home, I will be out of here by May 2015.  Just give me a fucking chance to do it alright?

New Year, New Start

To be brutally honest, 2013 was shit.  I'm not going to go into specifics, because if you know me, you probably know some of what went down.  But it was one of the hardest years I have ever had, personally, and the most academically challenging on top of that.  

Yet here I am, I made it to the other side.  I'm still standing, a little worse for wear, a little more crazy in my head, but I made it.  I have a degree, I achieved good grades (somehow!) and now begins the job hunting.

2014 feels so fresh and new and like I'm starting over.  No more university, no more exam and assignment stress.  Time to grow up, find a real job, work hard, spend little, save money, pay off debt, and maybe save for a little travel and save up to move out of home too.  I promised my parents I'd be out of home by the time I'm 25... which is May 2015.  So I have a little time still.  And I have a wedding to save for in 2016 (not mine!  I'm maid of honour for one of my BFFL's in Australia - gonna be a few trips over there in future) as well.

People keep asking me "What now?" now that I've finished uni.  "What job can you do with your degree?"  "Where to from here?"  "What are your plans?"

Much like the questions you get when you finish high school regarding your future, it gets very tiresome to get the same questions OVER AND OVER AGAIN.  Especially when you yourself have NO FREAKING CLUE what the answer is.  So here is my generic answer:

"Most people go to university to get a degree with a specific job in mind that they want to do when they are finished.  I'm not like that.  I started university because I knew I wanted a degree, and criminology and anthropology are my interest areas - I studied them because they sounded interesting, and thus I did not have a specific job in mind for when I finished.  Therefore, I am applying for anything and everything that I may or may not be able to do.  I just want a job.  I don't care if it is entry-level-being-someones-office-bitch type work.   It's a job, it pays, and it's a foot in the door.  Who knows where I could end up."

So in actuality, I'm kind of putting my faith in the universe a little bit and deciding that I'll end up where I'm meant to be.  In the meantime, I'm applying for anything and everything I can.  I'm hoping that being a new year, people will be hiring a lot more than they were before Christmas.  I hope I'm not one of those graduates who twiddles her thumbs for 6 months - 1 year while looking for work.  

Meanwhile, in 2014 I have a few things to look forward to, like graduation in May.  I really hope this year is good, because it can't be much worse than 2013.

How to think about loss...

...preferably applied to when the loss isn't death.  Because death isn't this easy or straightforward to think about.  As I have learned this year.  It's made me a little loco to be honest.

But anyway.  The loss I'm talking about is when you've had someone in your life, someone who has changed you, made you a better person, someone you adored or admired, someone who really impacted the way you think, the way you act, the way you are.  Someone you really look up to and who you are devastated has left your life, whether by choice, or otherwise.

I have been lucky enough to have had a few of these people.  And I always struggle when they no longer are regulars in my life anymore.  They leave a hole noone else can fill.  To clarify, I'm not talking romantic love here.  Just those good sorts of people you never want to let go.  They can be a relative-by-marriage, a teacher, a colleague, a family friend, a friend, anyone really. 

Now to the nitty gritty.  How to think about losing them. 

Don't be sad they are gone, be happy they were ever in your life in the first place. 
Be grateful you got the chance to meet them, to know them, to have them influence your life in ways you didn't know were possible. 
Don't mourn that they feature less in your life from now on, recognise instead how blessed you are that they came into your life in the first place.

This is what I try to do, and it always makes me feel better.  I've had people leave my life for all sorts of reasons, moving to a different country, changing jobs, or just losing touch.  And while it is sad, if you know me, you know I'm perpetually optimistic (even when I don't feel like it on the inside).   

I can't help it. 

2013 - I want a refund.

It's been a pretty shit year in all honesty.  So I've been playing the absentee card from my blog here, because who knows what kinda crazy I'm liable to spew out when I'm emotional.

Enough of that though, I actually have something I want to talk about.  I thought about it on the train to uni this morning, and I remember thinking "man, I should write this down so I remember to write a blog about it later because this is an awesome anecdote to write a blog about". 

While I did not write it down, by some miracle I did remember what it was, and here I am writing about it.  However, this may have something to do with the extreme procrastination I am undertaking these days.  Only 6 more weeks of my undergraduate career to go... thank god.  I'm so over study.

Anywho, back to said anecdote.  Although it's not really an anecdote.  More of a thought.

At what point does a boyfriend (or girlfriend for that matter) become called a partner?!

Is it when you consider yourself too old to use the juvenile terminology of 'boyfriend' and it conjures up a youthful existence you wish never to return to? 

Is it when you're post-boyfriend stage but pre-fiance stage, where you're not freshly together, routine has set in, you're comfortable with each other, but you're not at the next stage of committment?

Is it when you move in together?  In which case saying "I live with my partner" sounds much more mature and serious than "I live with my boyfriend".

Or is it perhaps because you just don't like the word?

I think it's an interesting conundrum.  I don't know why this thought suddenly plagued me on the train at 10am, and I really have no opinion or clue about this (in spite of the relationship advice I seem to be constantly giving my friends... have they not noticed I've been single for 3 years?!) so comment what you think. 

Because it's a funny one. 

A Little Rant.

Dear people-with-whom-I-commute-on-the-train, 

I don't walk around and pinch the noses or shut the wide-open-gobs of those of you who snore consistently every single train ride, so the fact that occasionally I have allergies (especially when the people around me are wearing litres of perfume) which cause my nose to run (which I do blow, and solve the problem myself) does not mean you are entitled to shove tissues at me. I have my own tissues, I don't want your McDonalds-napkins-that-have-been-in-the-bottom-of-your-bag-for-god-only-knows-how-long. 

I find that so rude. Maybe I should start waking up every single one of you who snores.

Crazyness.

It has been a mental few months.  It would take a long time to explain it all here.  I'm still processing.

Basically, since I last posted...

March - went back to uni, which I was really looking forward to, but it's a lot of work this year and I'm so stressed out now, and I'm only at uni 3 days a week, which are full on days, so I pretty much never get to see my friends, and the friends who I don't see in my actual classes, our timetables clash so we can't see each other outside of class and this makes me very sad.

March 18th was a day that turned my world upside down.  There was a car accident.  My cousin was in the passenger seat.

April 3rd he died.



Now the funeral is over, I'm back home, and things are supposed to go back to 'normal'.  I mean, I wasn't that close to my cousin, but he's still family you know?  And he was 22, the same age as me.  That is bloody scary.  He leaves behind his partner and 3 month old son.  It's tragic.  My heart is breaking for my aunty, and I'm too far away to make any difference.

Meanwhile, I've got a shitload of stuff to catch up on for uni, and to do for upcoming essays.  

I feel like I'm drowning in debt too - my yearly dental check up ended up costing me over $400 because I needed fillings (which I got today... ouchie :( ) and it just feels like all the financial crap is hitting me all at the same time.  

I'm also reeaaaaaaaaaaaaaly tired, can't seem to get enough sleep.  Had a routine blood test on Wednesday, and my dr rang me today, I'm borderline anaemic again (yay -_- ) and so have to be careful not to trip into a flare up and get sick.

So basically, everything seems to suck a bit right now, and I'm too tired to do much about it.

I feel loved.

No page views for ages.

Why do I even have this blog?