2013

I am posting on the first day of 2013.

How auspicious. 

I like odd numbered years, they seem to be better years for me than even numbered years.

Since it's a new year, I decided to give my mind and my self a revamp.  I've spent the last bit of December working myself up into a state of readiness, convincing myself I need to do this, getting ideas and information, and changing how I see things.  

Yes, I'm talking about the stereotypical New Year's Resolution of weight-loss.  Weight is weight, regardless of how it was gained, through gluttony and inactivity, or thanks to medications.  And I decided it's time to do something about it, instead of enviously looking at my thin friends wishing I could be them, hiding from cameras, and avoiding going out because I feel so crap about myself.

So I've reinstated my 'myfitnesspal' account, to keep a more productive food diary, and I've begun a new tumblr account (as if 2 wasn't enough already!) dedicated to this.  In the tumblr-verse, this is called a fitblr.  It's helped a lot already.  I've learned so much.

Isn't it ironic that the very tools we use to help us lose weight involve extended periods of inactivity in front of a computer screen to keep them up to date.  It's bizarre.

Anyway, my goal is somewhat realistic.  My deadline is this time next year.  I want to do the cool progress pics, putting ugly beside pretty, so I can ooh and ahh over how I've changed.  I want to look back and say 2013 was well spent (besides being my final year at university).  

A year is a long time.  

365 days.  

If I walked 1 km a day, I'd walk 365km by the end of the year.  That's a lot.  And I think I can do it.  By December 31st 2013, I want to be 70kg, or less.

I'm not being unrealistic, everything in moderation etc.  No starvation.  And no ridiculous diets.  

For example, today, I wanted brownie that I baked yesterday.  So I entered the recipe into myfitnesspal which calculated how many calories were in it, and then I had a piece.  I just watched the rest of my calories for the rest of the day.  No biggie. 

Tomorrow will be better, because I have work (which is insane, activity wise... I always have to shower when I come home) and there is no more brownie left (thank you mum and dad for removing temptation).

I am also going to look up good snack ideas, and healthier baking recipes, so I can make stuff and still write my food blog.

Wish me luck!! I'm excited, and I hope you will support me on this journey!

HAPPY NEW YEAR xxx

Humbled.

I'm trying to be modest, but no matter how I say this, it's going to sound like I'm tooting my own horn, so here goes.  This semester, at my university, I have won three things.  THREE.  I normally win nothing, ever.  

And this is all the more shocking to me because it is university. 

I mean, I won things at school, nothing ever major, but still certificates and such, because there were 800 students in the school.  Total.  My chances of winning stuff for participation and 'endeavour' (f'in PC rubbish) were reasonably high.

I NEVER, EVER thought I would win ANYTHING from university, because there are around 22,000 students.  And I thought all of them would be way better than me at everything, that I would struggle through my degree, get to the other side, and begin working, having been a nobody at university, my only recognition being a piece of paper that said Hanna Jackson, Bachelor of Arts - Criminology and Anthropology.

Don't get me wrong, I kind of still AM a nobody.  But I'm a nobody with 3 awards.  While they may seem small, or trivial, they seem big to me because they come from university.  Which is way harder than school, and more competitive.

Let me set the scene.  It's February 2011, and I'm crapping myself because my first year of university is about to begin. I get there, I love it, hate my hall of residence because it was antisocial and I met pretty much noone.  

Flash forward to June, first semester has gone well, I passed with an A in one subject even!  I began to get sick in June.  Started the flare up that was to be my worst.  My grades fell, got worse, I wasn't even sure I was going to pass French (I did, with B-, I don't even know how), I finished my exam at the end of October and FLEW into full time work for summer.

Flash forward to New Years Eve, I'm bedridden for the next month, and not from any ill-fated drinking.  I'm so, so sick.  Then I started getting better in February 2012, after drs appointments, hopsital visits, medication and procedures.  My first semester of 2012 was concentrated on "getting better" and coping, all the while still working one day a week.

Now this semester, this is where the good stuff happens.  I quit my job, I'm in the swing of study, I decide to volunteer with the Disability Services to take notes for impaired students in my classes, because my friends are always telling me how amazing my notes are, so why not share?  I also decided to sign up with Disability Services myself, so that, should I ever need their help if I got really ill again, I'd already be signed up with them.  I viewed this as a sort of give and take relationship.  I was giving back by volunteering.

Fast forward to October, and I get an email informing me I'm receiving an "Outstanding Volunteer of the Year 2012" award for my note taking.  This blew me away, firstly because at that stage, I'd only been notetaking for 7 weeks; not even the full year!  And also, getting recognition for something like this is so amazing.  And completely unexpected.  I got a lovely certificate, and a beautiful book (I REALLY LOVE BOOKS), and had a wonderful evening at the 'Council Chambers' at university, which I didn't even know existed but are really pretty, with nice food and my parents were even allowed to come - they were so proud.  There were ten of us who got the award, but it's still very special because I volunteered for the good of it, not for want of recognition.

Me with my Outstanding Volunteer of the Year Award 2012

Then, this week in Criminology class, it was our final lecture, and our lecturer puts up a slide in class announcing award winners, for like the best essay, and the best marks on the test, etc.  She gets to the category at the bottom, for "Contribution in Class"... and voila!  My name is there.  I'm sitting smack bang in the middle of the lecture theatre going "omg what?!" while my friends are laughing at me.  Apparently this award is given out based on feedback from tutors, and participation in the lectures (like answering questions and stuff) and from my tute, my tutor picked me and Lizzy, the lecturer, agreed!  WHATTTT.  So that was pretty cool.  Not majorly prestigious or anything, but to be noticed out of a class of 200-ish, is somewhat surprising.  I must really make an impact hahaha.  I also got a lovely block of chocolate as a prize hehe.  It's sitting in my drawer staring at me, going "eat me, eat me!"

Finally, today, something ELSE amazing happened.  A few weeks ago I had submitted an application for something called an Access Award, something you get given for overcoming adversity and illness/disability/impairment, approaching your study with a positive attitude, with marked improvement in your grades and results.  I wasn't sure about entering, since I personally don't consider Crohn's to be a disability, but it does affect my financial circumstances.  Anyway, I applied for this award thinking "I'm not sure I even qualify, so I'm not going to tell anyone I'm applying because then they won't be disappointed if I don't get anything, but I'll apply anyway because I have nothing to lose in doing so".  So I did.

AND I FREAKING WON.  There were several winners, obviously, but I won a part of it!  I get a sum of money toward financial costs/whatever I want.  I am SO happy because I've been so stressed about how I'm going to pay for the new tyres on my car (since I don't officially have a job at the moment) and this solves it!  And I'll still have a decent amount left over to put into my savings.  I actually cried when I got the email this morning because I genuinely didn't think I'd get anything, and was just kind of ho-hum about it.  

So these three things have made this semester my best semester so far, even if my grades have been a bit poor... (poor by my standards being under a B+ haha).  And I don't mean to be immodest by talking about it, but I'm just SO thrilled and ecstatic and wanted to finally share some good news on my blog, because there isn't enough good news in this world

Absolutely, Positively

An interesting thing has been happening.  Since I started talking about my illness, and not hiding it like I have done for the past 4+ years, friends are coming out of the woodwork with all manner of lovely messages and support.  I feel incredibly blessed to have so many kind people in my life, and they have far surpassed my expectations in terms of how they react to me being ill.

The reason I never talked about my illness before is because I was scared that I would scare people away.  That they would put me in the "too hard" basket, that being friends with me would be too taxing, because they wouldn't understand what was happening with me.  You see, nobody talks about bowel health when we are young, or teenagers.  So of course, when I was diagnosed as having an inflammatory bowel disease, I was hideously embarrassed, and couldn't think of anything worse than telling my friends what was wrong with me.  Nobody likes to talk about poop.  It was bad enough that my teachers had to be told so that I could run out of the classroom without asking permission to leave.

Anyway, as I've matured, I've realised I couldn't hide it when I was having symptoms, particularly not when I spent the first 20+ days of January in my bed at home.  But I also came to realise that I don't care if people know.  I mean, I care, but I don't care what they think.  It may bother me that they don't understand, or that they can be a bit ignorant about it, but it has been kind of a relief to not have to hide it so much any more.  As time goes on, I'm more and more open about it.  My friend who has a similar illness (and whose support and friendship I couldn't live without now) has always been reasonably open about her illness, so I took a leaf out of her book, and decided if people can't get past the illness, then they're not worth being friends with anyway.

But I've been blown away.  Honestly.  It makes me want to cry with happiness at how supportive, and kind and caring people have been.  I am so touched.  The simple act of taking a few minutes to write me a message on Facebook, or to send me a text message, it all has meant so very much to me.  People I've not talked to much in years, or even people I've never been that close to, have come out and said "I'm here for you, I hope you get well soon".  People have been curious, as I expected, especially when I first came out and said "I'm sick, but I'm not ready to tell you all what with yet", and as time goes on, and I tell more and more people what I have (at this stage, I'm only doing this if they specifically ask), I'm finding it easier and easier to talk about.  It also makes me want to raise awareness, and to stop other people feeling like they have to hide illnesses too, because it wasn't easy pretending to be normal when I wasn't.

There has been a common thread though, with the messages from people I've had.  I don't tend to post links to this blog because it's more a personal blog, so I don't mind if nobody reads it, but I posted it a couple of times when I wrote my "Fresh Start February" post because I was feeling so good about a new start and wanted to share my enthusiasm, and reassure my friends that I'm still me, and I'm on the upswing.  Obviously a few of them have kept reading, and maybe they will read this too.  But I've had at least 3 people say to me now that I have amazed them with how positive and happy I seem to be, despite my illness, and that it's inspiring, and so great to see me living life to the full in spite of what may hold me back.  I don't feel like I'm being overly positive, or happy, it's not something I'm doing consciously... I do feel like I'm getting back to being myself.  So apparently, I'm a naturally positive happy person?  Or at least that's how I'm seeming to people haha!  This is not a bad thing, at all.  I just find it curious, and somewhat amusing that 3 people (who don't know each other!) all said the same thing, and they think my positivity is amazing.

Of course, there are days when I have pity-parties (this is where my friend comes in... we drag each other back up when we're feeling like hating the world and not wanting to come out from under the bedcovers ever again) and days where I think "Why me?"... but I try to keep those days at a minimum.  I indulge this a little bit, because we're all allowed to have days like that, but I don't want it to ruin my life.  I am in control, this is my life, I am in charge of my illness, it is not in charge of me, and I won't let it be.  I am stubborn and determined.  

There was a girl I met and chatted to a bit on Twitter, and she wrote a blog about things people can change in their lives, and things people can't change.  The blog changed the way I thought about my illness.  And it goes something like this...

I can't change the fact that I have an inflammatory bowel disease.  I will have it for the rest of my life.  But I can change how I let it affect my life, I can change how I deal with it, I can change how I approach life, and I can make sure I do everything in my power to have a normal life.  I may not be normal, but I'm certainly not gonna take it lying down.  :) 

Fresh-Start February

It's a new month.  This means a good place for a fresh start.

If you're my friend on FB, you'll know I spent almost ALL of January sick in bed, not eating, barely moving, wasting away.  However, on the 20th I had an iron infusion, and then a week later some more diagnostics, and we now know what is properly wrong with me.  I'm still broken, but it's a different kind of broken to what we had been previously told.

But that is not what this post is about.

This post is about how I'm feeling better.  I'm finally eating again, I'm still sick, but I'm optimistic.  Yes, the new diagnosis is worse.  But I'm determined that I will rule it, it will not rule me.

So, on that note, I'm going to outline some things I'm doing for the better.  

Cooking

I'm trying to cook more meals at my house, for many reasons.  

Trying new recipes, I want to expand my cooking repertoire.  I want to learn new recipes, and I also want to try healthier cooking.  The town I live in has like, zero fast food options, which is good, and it is forcing me to think outside the box, and look up recipes.  This has led to a slight www.pinterest.com addiction, but there are so many good ideas there, I can't resist.  

So far I have made nachos, spaghetti with vodka cream sauce, tuna rostis, devilled sausages, and potato bake, and there are many more new culinary adventures to come.   

I also am cooking more because I am feeling better and can handle it, but also because I want to contribute to my house.  My parents both work full time now (only a recent development, mum just started a new job) and I'm too sick to work, so I'm at home all day.  I spend the day thinking about what I'm going to cook for them to arrive home to.  So far it is working well.  

Things might change a bit when it comes time for me to return to university, because I'll be commuting and arriving home late too, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  Plus, it'll be cooling down into winter soon, so I will get to try some of the amazing crock pot (slow cooker) recipes I have found.  :)

Blogging

I'm going to try and blog more.  My blog has been a bit neglected, and I think my FB friends might get a bit sick of me sharing my culinary adventures and my health woes (although having said that, I DO try to keep my health issues off FB... FB is supposed to be more for social fun!), so I'm going to try and write more blog posts, about food, about my health and anything that crosses my mind. 

It's not going to be literary genius, of course, but I think it will be a good place to write what I'm thinking, and I don't actually care if anyone reads it or not.  It's more for me.  Cos sometimes, the thoughts chasing around my brain drive me nuts, and don't help the stupid insomnia.  That's why I also keep a pen and paper by my bed, cos I find if I write it down, it gets out of my head and leaves me alone, and I can fall asleep a bit easier! :)

Medicine

I WILL take my medication.  Because although the side effects suck (insomnia, hallucinations, swelling of my legs/feet/ankles, reduced bone density... the list goes on)... it IS making me feel better.  I feel normal.  I feel like I can go out and not have to panic if I can't see a restroom at all times.  

Plus, I kinda HAVE to take my medication, because it's such a high, potent dose that if I stop it suddenly, I actually could die.  Like no shit.  Dead.  Bam.   So yeah.  That kinda scares me into taking it.

Yoga/Pilates

I'm going to try it.  No guarantees.  But this month I will TRY.  I need to build my muscles back up, cos of the wastage I've had from being in bed for 20+ consecutive days.

Positives

I'm trying to stay positive.  I'm trying to look forwards.  I spent a good hour or so chatting to a friend the other day about my 5ish year plan, and I'm so excited.  There are so many things I want to do and so little time to do it.  It includes graduating, travelling, maybe even saving for a house deposit to get into the property market, getting a good job, all sorts.  I want to get my independence.  I've always said I don't want to live with my parents past the age of 25, it's my goal to move out by then, but while I'm a poor university student, it just totally makes monetary sense to live with them.  :)

Ok, that's all for now.  But I have lots of other things I am excited about February for, but mostly it's getting better, and getting back on track, ready for university on MARCH 5TH!!!!  Weehooo!!  I'm so going stir cray-zay at home, so I'm very excited to get out of here in a month for my studies.  I have very exciting papers this year, they aren't actually the classes I wanted to do the most, but I'm going to make the most out of them, because the ones I REALLY wanted to do all clashed.  :(  But, STAYING positive, its going to be a good year.  I PLAN on it.