Apologies

Wow my last post was bitchy.

I'm sorry.

I'm very stressed.  I just don't need people telling me they think they have it worse than me, because they really don't know what else is going on. 

I can't wait for the holidays.... ASDFGHJKL 3 more weeks of class and then FREEDOM.  Well... "study leave" then an exam then FREEDOM!  For 6 days.  Then work.  -_-

One Upping.

It's so annoying.

When I want to have a pity party, and feel sorry for my predicament with my essay, I don't need people going "well I'm in your situation AND I'm working on another essay simulatneously/working 20 hours a day everyday/saving the f*ckin' whole world". 

I DON'T CARE.  Let me feel sorry for myself, because the sooner I do, the sooner I end my pity party and get on with the essay that created the said pity party.  I don't need your crap to deal with tooooooooo.

Seriously pissing me off.  You don't know shit about what else I've got on my plate, but I don't go around bragging about it like some martyr.

endrant.


(clarification - not directed at anyone in particular, just feeling in a bad mood in general)

Anticipation

On another note, there is finally some WARMER weather and I'm super doooooooooper excited for what this means!

Summer!
Sunshine!
BBQs!
Friends!
Christmas!
Family!
Fun!
Swimming!
Holidays!
Rivers!

Alas, I'm not sure how much of this I will be around to enjoy.

Last summer, I worked November/December, a lot.  Burnt out.  Got really, REALLY sick.  Spent the January in bed, and February recovering enough to start 2nd year of uni in March.

I have learned my lesson.  Don't work so hard.  The workplace will NOT collapse without me.  Take my medication.  Eat properly - noodles don't count.

Anyway, this is besides the point I wanted to MAKE in this blog post.

I'm excited about summer!!!  But I have some news.  I just emailed my uncle my CV, and he knows people at this fruit orchard who might hire me for the whole summer.  The catch... it's in Hawkes Bay.  Which is about 2.5 hours from where I live.  And about 3.5 hours from where most of my friends live.

So yeah.  We shall see where this goes.  I'm not sure, but I hope I do get to work, because it'll be lots of hours, and money to pay my parents back what I owe, and save for a trip next winter to Rarotonga to escape the cold.

Cross your fingers for me?  Both that it's the right decision, and that I make enough money haha.  :)

Growing Up

Sometimes I want to be more grown up.  Move out.  Have a life about which I don't really speak to my parents.  Have a long term relationship.  Have a pet.  Live in a cute apartment.  Work full time.  Be independent.  Go on dinner dates (if there is a lack of aforementioned relationship).  Be cultured.  Drink wine.

But then I remember. I like living at home.  I like talking to my parents.  I don't mind being alone.  I already have 4 pets at home.  I live in a cute house.  I don't work, to focus on my studies.  I'm yet to graduate.  I am reasonably independent; I have my own car, I can come and go as I please.  And I don't like wine.

Thus I am torn.  Do I really want to grow up?

There are some parts of a perceived "grown up" life to which I am drawn, but then these come with responsibilities, and other such unpleasantries.

I guess this is an in between phase.  

I promised myself, and my parents, that I would move out of home by the age of 25.  I have 3 more years.  I guess I should savour it.  I graduate at the end of next year.  Then that gives me a year and a half to find a job, work, save, move out, and get a life.

But then I also plan to move to Europe for a while, perhaps with my cousin Laura, dependent on timing and finances and such, sooo I don't know.

There are so many opportunities, and as I have said before, so much to do, so little time.

I guess I see people my own age, and younger, already graduated, moved out of home, being "grown ups", with careers, boyfriends with whom they have been for many years already, and they seem to have life sorted out.  They know what they're doing, what they want, who they want.  And I guess I'm a little jealous of their certainty and that they have everything sussed.  

I mean, this view that they have life sorted is a sweeping generalisation, and in fact I'm sure the people to whom I am referring in my minds eye have a myriad of problems and so forth that they simply do not broadcast, and they live in spite of their issues.

I just need to work out how to do the same.

Who I am.

Something has been bugging me about some of the people I have 'met' who share the IBD diagnosis.  The first thing they say, is along the lines of "Hi, I'm a Crohnie" or "I have UC" or something.  Like it's the first thing about them.  Like the disease defines them.  Like IBD isn't just something they have, it's who they are.  I mean, I know it's understandable in an IBD support forum, but I'm talking about outside of that.  It baffles me.

Now I don't know about you, but I find this whole thing disturbing.  I don't want to be defined by my illness.  It is not the sum of my entire being, so why would I make it one of the first things I say about myself?!  I want people to know me, and if they like me, then I will tell them about this other facet of my life.  I don't want it to scare them off in the first moments. 

I guess I feel like if it was an identifying factor of my life, it would be all consuming, and I wouldn't be me.  I couldn't be normal, because my whole being would be based on my abnormality.  And that's uncool.

I am not a Crohnie.
I HAVE Crohn's disease.

IT does not have ME.  And it never will.