2013 - I want a refund.

It's been a pretty shit year in all honesty.  So I've been playing the absentee card from my blog here, because who knows what kinda crazy I'm liable to spew out when I'm emotional.

Enough of that though, I actually have something I want to talk about.  I thought about it on the train to uni this morning, and I remember thinking "man, I should write this down so I remember to write a blog about it later because this is an awesome anecdote to write a blog about". 

While I did not write it down, by some miracle I did remember what it was, and here I am writing about it.  However, this may have something to do with the extreme procrastination I am undertaking these days.  Only 6 more weeks of my undergraduate career to go... thank god.  I'm so over study.

Anywho, back to said anecdote.  Although it's not really an anecdote.  More of a thought.

At what point does a boyfriend (or girlfriend for that matter) become called a partner?!

Is it when you consider yourself too old to use the juvenile terminology of 'boyfriend' and it conjures up a youthful existence you wish never to return to? 

Is it when you're post-boyfriend stage but pre-fiance stage, where you're not freshly together, routine has set in, you're comfortable with each other, but you're not at the next stage of committment?

Is it when you move in together?  In which case saying "I live with my partner" sounds much more mature and serious than "I live with my boyfriend".

Or is it perhaps because you just don't like the word?

I think it's an interesting conundrum.  I don't know why this thought suddenly plagued me on the train at 10am, and I really have no opinion or clue about this (in spite of the relationship advice I seem to be constantly giving my friends... have they not noticed I've been single for 3 years?!) so comment what you think. 

Because it's a funny one. 

Life is all about balance, right?

The balance between work and play.

The balance between good food and bad.

The balance between exercise and rest.

The balance between relaxation and productivity.

There is one balance I'm finding it hard to get my head around.  

You see,  there are several types of people and approaches when it comes to the ever-popular topic of body weight/fitness/weight loss.  I'm going to make a list, because I really like lists.

1. The people who go "embrace your curves, you don't need to change, as long as you're happy, that is all that matters, beauty is beauty regardless of size, eat what you want, who cares what anyone else thinks".  This makes me feel like why bother?
2. The people who go "health and fitness is a lifestyle, you feel so amazing eating the right things, you'll be so much happier, you'll have so much more energy from working out, it's so worth it, it might be hard but keep going, healthy weight is important, get your summer body all year round".  This makes me think well that would be nice to be healthy, and look amazing like everyone else.
3. The people who go "obsess over every calorie, get rid of carbs, carbs are evil, thigh gaps are important, hipbones and collar bones are the things you want, who cares about strength, just be skinny so you can fit into smaller clothes, run until you can't feel anything anymore, people who aren't skinny are disgusting slobs".  This makes me feel stupid and inadequate for being anything other than skinny.

So where do I fit?  Well I guess you can't be a mix of all 3.  You can't say "embrace your curves, beauty at every size", but then do everything in your power to reduce them.  It's hypocritical.  It's like by choosing one, you're telling everyone else they're inferior.  

I am overweight, obese if you believe in BMIs, and I don't like how I look.  People say "embrace your curves, you're beautiful as you are" to people who look just like me, and yet here I am yearning to look like Miranda Kerr (no shit, have you seen her body?!), or Katy Perry (she's not a stick, she's perf!), or Kaley Cuoco (who coincidentally is the exact same height as me... can you imagine me looking as hot as her... whoah.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that finding the equilibrium between being happy with what I have, and striving for something better (in the sense of healthier, fitter, smaller) ostracizes some, and includes me in other groups.  I do believe that everyone is beautiful no matter what size they are, but I feel like a dick for saying "I believe that, but I'm trying to lose weight and get fitter myself".  I'm talking the talk but not walking the walk.  I don't know where I belong.  I don't even know what the point of this blog was, except to try and put my thoughts in order.  Hmm.

2013

I am posting on the first day of 2013.

How auspicious. 

I like odd numbered years, they seem to be better years for me than even numbered years.

Since it's a new year, I decided to give my mind and my self a revamp.  I've spent the last bit of December working myself up into a state of readiness, convincing myself I need to do this, getting ideas and information, and changing how I see things.  

Yes, I'm talking about the stereotypical New Year's Resolution of weight-loss.  Weight is weight, regardless of how it was gained, through gluttony and inactivity, or thanks to medications.  And I decided it's time to do something about it, instead of enviously looking at my thin friends wishing I could be them, hiding from cameras, and avoiding going out because I feel so crap about myself.

So I've reinstated my 'myfitnesspal' account, to keep a more productive food diary, and I've begun a new tumblr account (as if 2 wasn't enough already!) dedicated to this.  In the tumblr-verse, this is called a fitblr.  It's helped a lot already.  I've learned so much.

Isn't it ironic that the very tools we use to help us lose weight involve extended periods of inactivity in front of a computer screen to keep them up to date.  It's bizarre.

Anyway, my goal is somewhat realistic.  My deadline is this time next year.  I want to do the cool progress pics, putting ugly beside pretty, so I can ooh and ahh over how I've changed.  I want to look back and say 2013 was well spent (besides being my final year at university).  

A year is a long time.  

365 days.  

If I walked 1 km a day, I'd walk 365km by the end of the year.  That's a lot.  And I think I can do it.  By December 31st 2013, I want to be 70kg, or less.

I'm not being unrealistic, everything in moderation etc.  No starvation.  And no ridiculous diets.  

For example, today, I wanted brownie that I baked yesterday.  So I entered the recipe into myfitnesspal which calculated how many calories were in it, and then I had a piece.  I just watched the rest of my calories for the rest of the day.  No biggie. 

Tomorrow will be better, because I have work (which is insane, activity wise... I always have to shower when I come home) and there is no more brownie left (thank you mum and dad for removing temptation).

I am also going to look up good snack ideas, and healthier baking recipes, so I can make stuff and still write my food blog.

Wish me luck!! I'm excited, and I hope you will support me on this journey!

HAPPY NEW YEAR xxx

A Bit Lost

I'm not sure what's going on with me right now.

I do know I'm really mad at myself.

I do know I look like shit.

I do know I'm trying my best.

I do know that I want to cry at the stupidest, tiniest things.

I do know I'm stressed about uni work.

I don't know how to stop.

But I'm aware of this.  And I'm not going back to 2007.  Ever.

Growing Up

Sometimes I want to be more grown up.  Move out.  Have a life about which I don't really speak to my parents.  Have a long term relationship.  Have a pet.  Live in a cute apartment.  Work full time.  Be independent.  Go on dinner dates (if there is a lack of aforementioned relationship).  Be cultured.  Drink wine.

But then I remember. I like living at home.  I like talking to my parents.  I don't mind being alone.  I already have 4 pets at home.  I live in a cute house.  I don't work, to focus on my studies.  I'm yet to graduate.  I am reasonably independent; I have my own car, I can come and go as I please.  And I don't like wine.

Thus I am torn.  Do I really want to grow up?

There are some parts of a perceived "grown up" life to which I am drawn, but then these come with responsibilities, and other such unpleasantries.

I guess this is an in between phase.  

I promised myself, and my parents, that I would move out of home by the age of 25.  I have 3 more years.  I guess I should savour it.  I graduate at the end of next year.  Then that gives me a year and a half to find a job, work, save, move out, and get a life.

But then I also plan to move to Europe for a while, perhaps with my cousin Laura, dependent on timing and finances and such, sooo I don't know.

There are so many opportunities, and as I have said before, so much to do, so little time.

I guess I see people my own age, and younger, already graduated, moved out of home, being "grown ups", with careers, boyfriends with whom they have been for many years already, and they seem to have life sorted out.  They know what they're doing, what they want, who they want.  And I guess I'm a little jealous of their certainty and that they have everything sussed.  

I mean, this view that they have life sorted is a sweeping generalisation, and in fact I'm sure the people to whom I am referring in my minds eye have a myriad of problems and so forth that they simply do not broadcast, and they live in spite of their issues.

I just need to work out how to do the same.

Who I am.

Something has been bugging me about some of the people I have 'met' who share the IBD diagnosis.  The first thing they say, is along the lines of "Hi, I'm a Crohnie" or "I have UC" or something.  Like it's the first thing about them.  Like the disease defines them.  Like IBD isn't just something they have, it's who they are.  I mean, I know it's understandable in an IBD support forum, but I'm talking about outside of that.  It baffles me.

Now I don't know about you, but I find this whole thing disturbing.  I don't want to be defined by my illness.  It is not the sum of my entire being, so why would I make it one of the first things I say about myself?!  I want people to know me, and if they like me, then I will tell them about this other facet of my life.  I don't want it to scare them off in the first moments. 

I guess I feel like if it was an identifying factor of my life, it would be all consuming, and I wouldn't be me.  I couldn't be normal, because my whole being would be based on my abnormality.  And that's uncool.

I am not a Crohnie.
I HAVE Crohn's disease.

IT does not have ME.  And it never will.

It's Been A While...!

10 days since my last post... That's a bit slack!  So much for more blog writing!!!  Well, semi-slack.  I HAVE been writing, but on my food blog!  Weehooooo!! I've been having so much fun making stuff for my family, and trying new recipes and experimenting in the kitchen... and after I've cooked, eaten, tidied up, and then WRITTEN about what I've made, I'm too exhausted for my other blog!!!  But that's ok, I guess, because I am still writing!

Tonight I'm making brisket, which is kind of exciting because the only time I had ever heard of brisket was in stereotypes of Jewish families eating brisket.  Also, Howards mom on Big Bang Theory makes a legendary brisket, apparently.  But anywho, my mum bought some beef brisket, and then I investigated how to cook it, and oh my, it's smelling delicious.  Make sure you check out my food blog for the verdict... :)

In other news, university goes back on 5th March (Monday) but I don't have any classes on a Monday so I'm not back until the 6th!!!  I'm super excited about it, although not looking forward to getting up super early for the train.  I will be catching the train in the morning with my dad though, which will be nice.  :)  As for the afternoons, it just depends when my last class of the day is.

It's Mums birthday on Friday, so we're going out for dinner that night, and then on Saturday we're going to the 2nd round of the fair I went to earlier in February, so should be a fun last-weekend-of-freedom-before-uni! :) I'm looking forward to the fair, and going back to the places that were so good last time! :)

OH and another special reason for posting a blog today... it's the TWENTY-NINTH OF FEBRUARY!!  So happy birthday for anyone who only gets their real birthday once every four years, and congratulations to all those newly engaged couples where the girl took the lead and proposed on this most wonderful of leap year days.  :)

As for my health, feeling better, but getting pretty bad moonface at nights now.   Which sucks.  Insomnia is pretty much gone, I sleep so deeply at night now, I don't even notice the cats!  I'm still kinda weak in the legs sometimes, and need to go push-biking or something to build it up.

That's all for now, this was a kinda bitsy blog with no real purpose except verbal diarrhea haha... so yeah.  Rambling.  I promise to have some purpose to my next one. 

Absolutely, Positively

An interesting thing has been happening.  Since I started talking about my illness, and not hiding it like I have done for the past 4+ years, friends are coming out of the woodwork with all manner of lovely messages and support.  I feel incredibly blessed to have so many kind people in my life, and they have far surpassed my expectations in terms of how they react to me being ill.

The reason I never talked about my illness before is because I was scared that I would scare people away.  That they would put me in the "too hard" basket, that being friends with me would be too taxing, because they wouldn't understand what was happening with me.  You see, nobody talks about bowel health when we are young, or teenagers.  So of course, when I was diagnosed as having an inflammatory bowel disease, I was hideously embarrassed, and couldn't think of anything worse than telling my friends what was wrong with me.  Nobody likes to talk about poop.  It was bad enough that my teachers had to be told so that I could run out of the classroom without asking permission to leave.

Anyway, as I've matured, I've realised I couldn't hide it when I was having symptoms, particularly not when I spent the first 20+ days of January in my bed at home.  But I also came to realise that I don't care if people know.  I mean, I care, but I don't care what they think.  It may bother me that they don't understand, or that they can be a bit ignorant about it, but it has been kind of a relief to not have to hide it so much any more.  As time goes on, I'm more and more open about it.  My friend who has a similar illness (and whose support and friendship I couldn't live without now) has always been reasonably open about her illness, so I took a leaf out of her book, and decided if people can't get past the illness, then they're not worth being friends with anyway.

But I've been blown away.  Honestly.  It makes me want to cry with happiness at how supportive, and kind and caring people have been.  I am so touched.  The simple act of taking a few minutes to write me a message on Facebook, or to send me a text message, it all has meant so very much to me.  People I've not talked to much in years, or even people I've never been that close to, have come out and said "I'm here for you, I hope you get well soon".  People have been curious, as I expected, especially when I first came out and said "I'm sick, but I'm not ready to tell you all what with yet", and as time goes on, and I tell more and more people what I have (at this stage, I'm only doing this if they specifically ask), I'm finding it easier and easier to talk about.  It also makes me want to raise awareness, and to stop other people feeling like they have to hide illnesses too, because it wasn't easy pretending to be normal when I wasn't.

There has been a common thread though, with the messages from people I've had.  I don't tend to post links to this blog because it's more a personal blog, so I don't mind if nobody reads it, but I posted it a couple of times when I wrote my "Fresh Start February" post because I was feeling so good about a new start and wanted to share my enthusiasm, and reassure my friends that I'm still me, and I'm on the upswing.  Obviously a few of them have kept reading, and maybe they will read this too.  But I've had at least 3 people say to me now that I have amazed them with how positive and happy I seem to be, despite my illness, and that it's inspiring, and so great to see me living life to the full in spite of what may hold me back.  I don't feel like I'm being overly positive, or happy, it's not something I'm doing consciously... I do feel like I'm getting back to being myself.  So apparently, I'm a naturally positive happy person?  Or at least that's how I'm seeming to people haha!  This is not a bad thing, at all.  I just find it curious, and somewhat amusing that 3 people (who don't know each other!) all said the same thing, and they think my positivity is amazing.

Of course, there are days when I have pity-parties (this is where my friend comes in... we drag each other back up when we're feeling like hating the world and not wanting to come out from under the bedcovers ever again) and days where I think "Why me?"... but I try to keep those days at a minimum.  I indulge this a little bit, because we're all allowed to have days like that, but I don't want it to ruin my life.  I am in control, this is my life, I am in charge of my illness, it is not in charge of me, and I won't let it be.  I am stubborn and determined.  

There was a girl I met and chatted to a bit on Twitter, and she wrote a blog about things people can change in their lives, and things people can't change.  The blog changed the way I thought about my illness.  And it goes something like this...

I can't change the fact that I have an inflammatory bowel disease.  I will have it for the rest of my life.  But I can change how I let it affect my life, I can change how I deal with it, I can change how I approach life, and I can make sure I do everything in my power to have a normal life.  I may not be normal, but I'm certainly not gonna take it lying down.  :) 

Things I Have Learned & Noticed.

I don't do deep and meaningful, you will learn this.  Not too deep anyway.  I like humour, I like to keep things light, and (hopefully) entertaining.  So this post is coming with a disclaimer - don't expect life changing revelations, or insight.  

It's just a trail of thoughts that were screaming around my brain at 3am, somewhat causing and perpetuating my (legal) drug-induced insomniatic state.  I felt like my brain was alight with things to fill a blog post of randomness today.  In fact, I wound myself up about it SO much that I couldn't sleep for the excitement of writing the post when I got up in the morning.  I also got excited about all the food I plan to bake/make today (and much to my delight, the weather is cooler and miserable, perfect for what I want to bake in the oven - comfort food!) but that's a whole other blog post.

It's like verbal diarrhea.  This could also come from the fact that I sit at home alone all day with only 3 cats for company, and a house painter (who I shouldn't interrupt from his work because that would be naughty, and not what my parents are paying him for, to listen to a silly 21 year old use her word quota for the day).  The cats, typically, are not good conversationalists.  And nine times out of ten, all the cool people to talk to online are out having lives, or working.

So now my blog gets to listen to me.  I think this is going to work well.  RIGHT.  To the list!!!  (I love lists.  This too, you will learn.)

ONE

I have learned that it is NOT a good idea to drink soda/fizzy.  I mean, when I first got sick, Sprite made me feel better, but soon the bubbles made me keep throwing up.  So I went off it.  But last night, I had a glass of Coke (first time in 2012!) and WOAH.  My tolerance for caffeine has gone WAY down.  So on top of the buzz from my medication that gives me insomnia, last night I also had caffeine.  Mistake #1.  Doh! 

Mistake #2 was going to bed at midnight, thinking that staying up (pinning like a mad thing) for the 2 hours I'd normally be lying in a dark room would maybe help me sleep better by tiring my eyes out more.  It didn't.  It just pushed the whole mess forward 2 hours, so instead of falling asleep around 1 am, I didn't fall asleep until 3am.  And of course, an hour after finally fall asleep, nature called.  *bloody hell*  Then another few hours awake, listened to my dad get up at 6am, and finally fell asleep again, only to have my wonderful (insert sarcasm font here) body clock wake me at 8.30am.  In conclusion, EPIC FAIL.  So, back to 10.30pm bedtime tonight.  Insomnia, you WILL be my bitch tonight.

TWO

I have noticed that I take twenty minutes at least, to eat a piece of toast with peanut butter on it.  I have no idea why, but it just takes me forever.  Super weird.

THREE

I realised that I like junk mail, a great deal.  It's like shopping, when you can't get out of the house.  I just got really excited by a huge pile of it sitting on the dining table.  I'm actually looking forward to looking at all the catalogues now and pretending I can afford stuff.  Weehooo that's my morning entertainment taken care of! :)

FOUR

I have noticed that people make comments about things they should either shut up about, or keep for their blogs (if they are that determined to make a big deal about it).  And I'm not meaning Facebook comments, I'm meaning real, legitimate comments to peoples faces.  Comments that have power over people, to damage spirit, to hurt feelings.  

Now this insight comes from two places.  I'll talk about the first one because it's personal, and the second one because I feel the need to say if it's not Thoughtful, Helpful, Insightful, Necessary or Kind (aka THINK before you speak) then don't freaking well say anything, because it's blatantly none of your freaking business!

First of all, it's a weight thing.  Why do people think it's ok to comment on another persons weight, but this only works in one direction.  People will only ever say something if you've lost weight.  The majority of people in this world would never say "Oh wow, you've gained weight" if they saw you and you had, so why is it socially acceptable to say the reverse? 

Somehow it's ok to say "Oh wow, you've lost weight".  I mean, to some it can be a compliment, but to me, at this time in my life, and given my previous states of being (aka fat, and now, not so much), it's more like a punch in the face, subliminally saying "Oh wow, remember you were fat last time I saw you, but something has changed and now you're not fat anymore, yay you!", and then they expect you to be bashful and say "oh yes, I've been dieting like a crazy bitch and working my ass off at the gym for two hours every day".  But it's awkward because they don't stop to think, maybe losing weight wasn't done intentionally, maybe it's a sign of something more serious.  I mean yes, mostly people are happy to lose weight and have people notice (especially when weight loss is their goal), but I just think people should keep their mouths shut, and say nothing one way or the other.  Less chance of hurting someone without realising it.  Commenting on other peoples weight should just be taboo, it's just safer not to say the W word.  (It is, however, perfectly acceptable to say things like "Oh gosh you're looking good!" or "Oh goodness you look amazing!" ;)  )

Maybe I'm being overly sensitive here, because I have lost weight, but not healthily and I look like a skeleton, but I don't know, something about that double standard just bothers me and I've wanted to write about it for a while.  Of course you are more than welcome to disagree with me, and to say so in the comments, but I'm not going to get into any arguments (that has happened before -_-  I don't do arguing.  This is my blog, I write what I think.)

And so, on a related note, but actually, I'm going to make this a new number, because otherwise number four is going to get an ego because I've written so much and its getting big... so...

FIVE

On the same train of thought, people should not comment on stuff that isn't their business.  Period.  End of story.  This stems from this show I've been watching following a girl called Katie, who was the victim of an acid attack (as in, a stranger came up to her and threw acid in her face) so she has horrendous burns all over her face, but anyway, she survived and worked hard to get to where she is today, healing inside and outside.  

She's started a charity for people with disfigurement, for support and everything, and it's amazing what she is doing.  So on this show, we get to meet some of the people with facial (and other) disfigurements that are to become ambassadors for the charity, and it tells us a little about them all.  And I've noticed, they often talk about how their whole lives (or however long they've had the disfigurement) people have made nasty comments about it.  Like there was this one girl who had a genetic disorder which meant her bones fused in her head, so she's had countless surgeries her whole life to pull the bones apart and expand her head so her brain could grow and to reconstruct her face, and to save her life!  She's been through so much, and then to hear that people would say to her as she grew up "Oh you shouldn't be out of the house looking like that" or "You're ugly".  WHO SAYS THAT?!  Seriously?! To someones face?!  What kind of people are there in this world, that think they have a right to judge beauty?  They have NO idea what she has been through?  It made me so mad on her behalf that people can be so insensitive, and treat people so differently just based on appearance.

And it's common!  People feel they have a right to comment.  And it's simple.  They don't.  They have absolutely no right at all. It's not their place.  Everyone deserves to be treated equally, you wouldn't say "you're ugly" to your friend, why is it ok to say it to a stranger, just because you don't know them?  And actually, this girl wasn't ugly at all, she was different to look at, yes, and she was also beautiful.  

But this brings me back to the THINK before you speak.  And the old adage of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  This poor girl is terrified to leave her flat because of comments from ignoramuses like the people who make those comments.  People need to shut the hell up.  It would save so much pain, and to treat others how they want to be treated themselves.  Plain and simple.

Ok, I'm getting down off my high horse now.  And I think I've rambled enough for today.  Congratulations if you read this far, I commend you.  But really, I feel much better having gotten four and five off my chest.  *breathes a sigh of relief*

Happy days!  I'm going to go bake now.  :)

EDIT: I just realised I did get a bit deep and meaningful haha... sorry.  My disclaimer lied.  Just a little bit.

EDIT #2: Ok, so my point number four about people commenting on my weight, I just want to clarify, it upsets me when it's people I barely know who comment on my weight.  My close friends and family, I know they say it because they care and are worried about my sudden change in appearance so that's ok, but like people who barely know me?  No.  That's what's uncool.  People who say it specifically because they expect me to turn around and say "yes I've been dieting and exercising mentally to get like this".

Time for Change...Already?

So we're just into a new year, and suddenly my world is being turned upside down.

I mean, I knew going to university would do that, but throw in moving-house-to-the-other-side-of-the-huge-hills-for-an-extra-15-mins-on-my-commute-to-uni change, and the world spins.

Granted, the houses are way cheaper over there (we're getting a house that is possibly bigger than our current one, for about half the price!), and my parents can afford to live on that side of the hill... but commuting will be such a pain... a whole HOUR instead of 45 mins haha.  But way more expensive, instead of $196 for a month pass, it's going to be $312 *gulp*

But looking at the positives....
- amazing weather over there
- big section for our cats to play on
- there are swings in the courtyard
- huge garage
- loads of parking at the house
- like 15 min walk to train station (instead of 10 min drive where we currently live)
- the house has brand new carpet!
- the house is so big I get my own office! :O  Super!!  It has built in shelves too! :D  SCORE!
- I'm allowed to paint myself a feature wall in my bedroom
- it's a small, cute country town
- we will still have a spare room


Okay, so a few negatives....
- far away from uni
- killing my social life before I even have a chance to get one... :/
- a pain cos there's only 2 train services a day at the weekends
- the house's kitchen is scunge, but we're going to do it up once we move in
- the main shower is tiny...like you bend over and your bum hits the cold aluminium shower side.... eeep (better have that fixed BEFORE winter!) - we're putting a new shower in tho.
- hard to get decent internet, and there are no companies that monitor house alarms over there


...


can't think of any other negatives right now.  But I'm slowly warming to the idea...I suppose.  Reluctantly so...


I'll keep you posted.  Right now I'm thinking about what colours I can paint my feature wall... :D

 (SIDENOTE): I've been dreaming of earthquakes the last two nights... I looked it up in the dream dictionary... interesting:

Earthquake
To dream of an earthquake, suggests that you are experiencing a major "shake-up" that is threatening your stability and foundation. The dream highlights your insecurity, fears and sense of helplessness. Is there something in your life that you feel at "fault" for? If you find cover from the quake, you will overcome these challenges. If you become trapped or injured during the quake, you will suffer some sort of loss in your life.

Dreams Are Free

Last night, I had too much caffeine, and didn't fall asleep until 2 hours after I went to bed.  I slept fitfully, but when I did, I had the most amazing dream.  

I dreamed that I was back in Paris (I went there in 2009 as part of a 46 day Contiki tour of Europe, so my dream was pretty accurate - see below!) and actually had time to walk around and soak up the culture.  And luckily for me, dreams are free.

This is me at Notre Dame Cathedral. :)

But, right now, I'm pretty poor, and for the next 3+ years it's not looking any brighter.  I'm going to be studying, so that means no money for anything except essentials.

So what is my point in this blog post?  Well, that dream, combined with a conversation with my mum yesterday, got me to thinking.  What would I do if I won the lottery.  I mean, of course, it's never going to happen, I never win anything, but I like to plan how I would spend the money given the chance.  Because, as I said, dreams are free.

So here's what I would like to do, if I did in fact win.

I'd pay off my parents mortgage, and then give them some more money so they can build their dream house, with land for my mum to have a horse.

I'd buy myself a house (not too big, a modest size).

I'd buy a car - VW Beetle, yellow convertible of course.

I'd pay for my study, no loan!  Woohoo!

I'd put some into savings, and live off the interest it earns.

I'd also travel a lot. :)  PARIS.  Say no more.

I'd help out some family and friends.

I'd give a lot to charities.

There's so much more I could do, but it would depend on how much I won haha :D

Anyway, thats just dreaming.  But if you won the lottery, what would you do?! :)  It's just fun to think about.

Organised Freak

I think I might be that freak who is organised for Christmas well in advance... I mean, it's not even December yet but I've got all but one present, my Christmas cards are sitting on my desk already waiting to be written, the Christmas tree is down from the attic, plans are already made for Christmas day itself... I'm ready!

This may be because I hate leaving things til the last minute, I can't stand going shopping when every other man and his dog is shopping, and I like to enjoy the build up to the festive season without having to battle for a parking space to spend exorbitant amounts of money on presents for people who won't remember what I even gave them in a few years time anyway.

So I'm having none of this panicky crap in my life.  Organisation is where it's at!!  Come join me on the other side, where there is light at the end of the tunnel, where you can look forward to festivities rather than dread the Christmas shopping. :)

PS if you need a shopping maniac, please, take me.  I'm good at weeding out the crap. :D

Mirror

Since I've started walking home from work, killing 5 birds with one stone so to speak, people have (of course) found out.  They see me in my lycra-type pants, baggy shirt, iPod ear buds hanging out my shirt and water bottle in hand, leaving the building into the (often) brilliant sunshine.

However.  I'm disappointed to find that the first thing they ask me, instead of something like "Do you enjoy your walking?" or "How far do you walk?", is more like something along the lines of "Have you lost weight?".

Now I know we live in a society where body image is everything.  But why do people assume that the only reason I've taken up walking is to lose weight?  I feel like I'm seeing myself in a mirror, but instead of reflecting the person I see myself to be, I see the person others perceive me to be.  Apparently that person is only as deep as the flesh on her body.  And that disappoints me.

Is it inconceivable that I may have other reasons for wanting to walk?  For me, it's about fitness, filling in time until my mum finishes work, fresh air, my good music, and fitness.  But above all, it's my stubbornness.  I'm too bloody stubborn to let my faulty legs dictate my life.  I will walk.  And I will fight them.  If I lose weight in the process, it's a bonus.

I guess I'm just disappointed that all people see me as is a girl who needs to lose weight in their eyes.

As a side note, today in New Zealand we have suffered a tragedy the likes of which has not been seen in at least 30 years.  On Friday there was an explosion at a mine on our South Islands West Coast.  It trapped 29 miners, and for the last 6 days, our whole population has held out hope that they survived and were waiting for us to rescue them.  Today there was a 2nd explosion, stronger than the first by far, and it burst through our remaining hope in finding these brave men alive.  There is no way anyone could have survived the 2nd explosion.  My heart goes out to the West Coast community who have been hit hard, losing 29 of their members, and NZ as a whole is grieving.

RIP Pike River Miners, 29 men who didn't deserve to have their lives snatched from them like this.

Wondering

Why does my To Do List only ever seem to get longer, yet I always feel like I'm insanely busy??  I work a 6 hour day, 5 days a week, I get home at 2pm, yet I'm always doing something!

Yesterday was a communication shutdown fundraiser for Autism, and so instead of being online, I found myself baking a cake and a batch of chocolate chip cookies, and also cooking dinner.  I went to bed at 9.30pm and don't remember my dad getting home at 10.15pm.  Maybe the key to better sleep is to be so busy I fall into bed and am asleep before my head hits the pillow.

Time for round 2...

Running on Empty.

I find it ironic that, when trying to think of a topic for a blog, and floundering in the nothingness that is inside my head right now, I realise I could in fact blog about that very lack of ideas.

Let's start with this week.  It has been an interesting, stressful, and...eye-opening week.  I stopped using Facebook on Tuesday, for a myriad of reasons, and have found it to be invigorating.  I now have time with which to partake of things constructive, such as sorting through my old school books a deciding what to keep and what to throw away.  I find myself no longer rushing home to see whats happened on Facebook in my absence, looking forward to the next new witty update from one of my 500-and-something friends.

I will mention, however, that I do miss the ability to contact my amazing international friends at will, for free.  Thus, my return to Facebook is imminent, but I might just stay off for a while longer.

As for the lack of ideas, well, I guess I'm having a lull in creativity.  Not that writing a blog of randomness takes much creativity, its just there hasn't been much to inspire a topic for my blog.  *sigh*

Overall it's been a bit of a depressing week to be honest.  And I'm just so tired.  I don't have the energy to fight anyone anymore.  I have more important things to focus on right now.  Lately, it seems like I'm losing people in my life left right and centre, and the only common denominator between them I can see, is me.  So I guess time out from most things internet is helping me try to work out why.  I'm pretty sure I'm not a bad person, but I've heard different as of late.

Guess it's time for some good old fashioned soul searching?  That will have to wait until I have time to think.

Temptation.

Temptation is...wanting to post another blog like the last, ranting and raving about crap that people don't really care about.  But then I realised I already sound a bit like a brat.  So here's a balance. :)

While this may not be deep and meaningful, it is real and I fight these most days!! (hehe)

Temptation is all those songs I feel like I would die without if I didn't buy them off iTunes right now (yes, there is no illegal downloading in this house - my dad is paranoid, plus, I'd be the sort to feel excruciatingly guilty), whilst my iPod (all 30GB of it!) is almost full to bursting.

Temptation is that glass of wine after dinner I don't really need but have anyway because I've discovered it helps me sleep better.

Temptation is the book sale - or should I say, any book sale in the near vicinity - where you can get 5 paperbacks for $20.

I guess it is programmed into us as children that if it is a bargain, you should get it, you wouldn't want to miss out.  This has been my downfall.  So while my reasonable side of my brain says "you won't die without it", my impulsive side says "go for it, you might not see another one like it!". 

Thus I am now feeling a bit dumb, because my savings for university are abysmal, to say the least.  And now I'm even more nervous.

sigh its a vicious cycle.  I think I should give my credit card to my mum. :)

If this was any time before 1990...

...it would be a highly secretive, tell-all-gossip, deepest-darkest-fears-and-feelings, who-my-current-crush-is, good old fashioned journal.  Gone are the days of the faded blue lined paper in a book hidden so well that only a mother knows where to find it.  No longer will hours be spent poring over decorating the outside of a precious diary with magazine cut-outs, glitter-glue, and fancy lettering, as well as the compulsory "Keep Out" and "Private" smack-bam on the front.

No, this right here is the twenty-first century.  These days, journals can be read by nearly anyone with a PC, and some mothers I know would struggle to even get their heads around the concept of a blog, let alone know how to find their child's blog on the vast world wide web.

Instead of teenage angst, there is anything from hot-topics of modern ethical debate, to make-up and fashion.  Granted, there are still countless blogs overflowing with teenage angst, but for most, this is the diary you don't want private, where you want it to be found and read, not hidden under a mattress or at the back of a closet.

In place of hours spent covering the last barrier to your innermost thoughts with the hottest heart-throb of this year, time is spent on HTML, and designing the functionality and visual appeal of the blog to the people who may follow you or just simply stumble across your blog.  After all, it remains your innermost thoughts and opinions, essentially, you present yourself to the world, how you want them to see you.

So, for my first blog entry, after all that waffle I just wanted to say, this is my contribution to the millions of other voices out there trying to be heard.  Whilst I may not be the most regular of bloggers, I can guarantee what I write here will be what I REALLY think.  Enjoy.  Or not.  It's really up to you!