Absolutely, Positively

An interesting thing has been happening.  Since I started talking about my illness, and not hiding it like I have done for the past 4+ years, friends are coming out of the woodwork with all manner of lovely messages and support.  I feel incredibly blessed to have so many kind people in my life, and they have far surpassed my expectations in terms of how they react to me being ill.

The reason I never talked about my illness before is because I was scared that I would scare people away.  That they would put me in the "too hard" basket, that being friends with me would be too taxing, because they wouldn't understand what was happening with me.  You see, nobody talks about bowel health when we are young, or teenagers.  So of course, when I was diagnosed as having an inflammatory bowel disease, I was hideously embarrassed, and couldn't think of anything worse than telling my friends what was wrong with me.  Nobody likes to talk about poop.  It was bad enough that my teachers had to be told so that I could run out of the classroom without asking permission to leave.

Anyway, as I've matured, I've realised I couldn't hide it when I was having symptoms, particularly not when I spent the first 20+ days of January in my bed at home.  But I also came to realise that I don't care if people know.  I mean, I care, but I don't care what they think.  It may bother me that they don't understand, or that they can be a bit ignorant about it, but it has been kind of a relief to not have to hide it so much any more.  As time goes on, I'm more and more open about it.  My friend who has a similar illness (and whose support and friendship I couldn't live without now) has always been reasonably open about her illness, so I took a leaf out of her book, and decided if people can't get past the illness, then they're not worth being friends with anyway.

But I've been blown away.  Honestly.  It makes me want to cry with happiness at how supportive, and kind and caring people have been.  I am so touched.  The simple act of taking a few minutes to write me a message on Facebook, or to send me a text message, it all has meant so very much to me.  People I've not talked to much in years, or even people I've never been that close to, have come out and said "I'm here for you, I hope you get well soon".  People have been curious, as I expected, especially when I first came out and said "I'm sick, but I'm not ready to tell you all what with yet", and as time goes on, and I tell more and more people what I have (at this stage, I'm only doing this if they specifically ask), I'm finding it easier and easier to talk about.  It also makes me want to raise awareness, and to stop other people feeling like they have to hide illnesses too, because it wasn't easy pretending to be normal when I wasn't.

There has been a common thread though, with the messages from people I've had.  I don't tend to post links to this blog because it's more a personal blog, so I don't mind if nobody reads it, but I posted it a couple of times when I wrote my "Fresh Start February" post because I was feeling so good about a new start and wanted to share my enthusiasm, and reassure my friends that I'm still me, and I'm on the upswing.  Obviously a few of them have kept reading, and maybe they will read this too.  But I've had at least 3 people say to me now that I have amazed them with how positive and happy I seem to be, despite my illness, and that it's inspiring, and so great to see me living life to the full in spite of what may hold me back.  I don't feel like I'm being overly positive, or happy, it's not something I'm doing consciously... I do feel like I'm getting back to being myself.  So apparently, I'm a naturally positive happy person?  Or at least that's how I'm seeming to people haha!  This is not a bad thing, at all.  I just find it curious, and somewhat amusing that 3 people (who don't know each other!) all said the same thing, and they think my positivity is amazing.

Of course, there are days when I have pity-parties (this is where my friend comes in... we drag each other back up when we're feeling like hating the world and not wanting to come out from under the bedcovers ever again) and days where I think "Why me?"... but I try to keep those days at a minimum.  I indulge this a little bit, because we're all allowed to have days like that, but I don't want it to ruin my life.  I am in control, this is my life, I am in charge of my illness, it is not in charge of me, and I won't let it be.  I am stubborn and determined.  

There was a girl I met and chatted to a bit on Twitter, and she wrote a blog about things people can change in their lives, and things people can't change.  The blog changed the way I thought about my illness.  And it goes something like this...

I can't change the fact that I have an inflammatory bowel disease.  I will have it for the rest of my life.  But I can change how I let it affect my life, I can change how I deal with it, I can change how I approach life, and I can make sure I do everything in my power to have a normal life.  I may not be normal, but I'm certainly not gonna take it lying down.  :)