Sugar Honey Ice Tea

I am SO bored.

Uni doesn't go back until March 4th.  

I have work once a week.  (Don't get me started, I'm already beating myself up enough for not having managed to nab another job for during the week...).  

I have no money to do anything.  It's so lame.  I live so far away from my friends.  

I have nothing to doooooo.  

I walk an hour a day.  

I do chores.  

I cook.  

I watch bad daytime television (no! I do not love watching Emmerdale...much)

I am ITCHING to get back to classes.  To travel an hour in to uni everyday, to sit for another hour listening to someone talk about something interesting, while I sit there frantically typing trying to get the stuff they say onto my laptop so at the end I have amazing notes to study from and stress over for exams.  

I never will look forward to the assignments, the essays, etc. because they always stress me out and I leave them til the last minute.  I hope I learned my lesson and this year will be different.  

I miss seeing my friends at uni in class, between classes, bumping in to them at the library or the food shops, or the bar on campus.  

I miss feeling like belonging to a group of students who are so diverse, but with similar goals of learning more, bettering their future job opportunities, and contributing to the world around us.

BRING ON 4th MARCH!

Life is all about balance, right?

The balance between work and play.

The balance between good food and bad.

The balance between exercise and rest.

The balance between relaxation and productivity.

There is one balance I'm finding it hard to get my head around.  

You see,  there are several types of people and approaches when it comes to the ever-popular topic of body weight/fitness/weight loss.  I'm going to make a list, because I really like lists.

1. The people who go "embrace your curves, you don't need to change, as long as you're happy, that is all that matters, beauty is beauty regardless of size, eat what you want, who cares what anyone else thinks".  This makes me feel like why bother?
2. The people who go "health and fitness is a lifestyle, you feel so amazing eating the right things, you'll be so much happier, you'll have so much more energy from working out, it's so worth it, it might be hard but keep going, healthy weight is important, get your summer body all year round".  This makes me think well that would be nice to be healthy, and look amazing like everyone else.
3. The people who go "obsess over every calorie, get rid of carbs, carbs are evil, thigh gaps are important, hipbones and collar bones are the things you want, who cares about strength, just be skinny so you can fit into smaller clothes, run until you can't feel anything anymore, people who aren't skinny are disgusting slobs".  This makes me feel stupid and inadequate for being anything other than skinny.

So where do I fit?  Well I guess you can't be a mix of all 3.  You can't say "embrace your curves, beauty at every size", but then do everything in your power to reduce them.  It's hypocritical.  It's like by choosing one, you're telling everyone else they're inferior.  

I am overweight, obese if you believe in BMIs, and I don't like how I look.  People say "embrace your curves, you're beautiful as you are" to people who look just like me, and yet here I am yearning to look like Miranda Kerr (no shit, have you seen her body?!), or Katy Perry (she's not a stick, she's perf!), or Kaley Cuoco (who coincidentally is the exact same height as me... can you imagine me looking as hot as her... whoah.)

I guess what I'm trying to say is that finding the equilibrium between being happy with what I have, and striving for something better (in the sense of healthier, fitter, smaller) ostracizes some, and includes me in other groups.  I do believe that everyone is beautiful no matter what size they are, but I feel like a dick for saying "I believe that, but I'm trying to lose weight and get fitter myself".  I'm talking the talk but not walking the walk.  I don't know where I belong.  I don't even know what the point of this blog was, except to try and put my thoughts in order.  Hmm.

Memories

This is just a short post.

I made a memory jar.

I've seen them before, written about, and what you do, is you take a jar and throughout the year, anytime something good or amazing happens, you write it down, fold it up and put it in the jar.

Then, at the end of the year, you empty the jar and read and remember the amazing things that that year brought you.

I've always loved this idea, but never done it.

Recently, I took to randomly stealing glass jars out of the recycling bins at my house, promising my mother that my odd hoarding behaviour was in fact purposeful.  When she asked what for, I couldn't say.  But, the four jars I stole have all found new, useful homes.  

One now houses all my bobby pins.  Another now houses my collection of old coins.  One now holds my hot glue gun sticks (because my cat threw up on the bag that used to hold them -_-).  And the final one, I'm sure you can guess.

Did I mention I decorated all of these jars with glitter glue?  Just because I can.  Indulging my inner child, some would say.  

So now my memories live in a pink glitter glued jar.  I can't wait to see what else 2013 brings, if it's this good already! xx

2013

I am posting on the first day of 2013.

How auspicious. 

I like odd numbered years, they seem to be better years for me than even numbered years.

Since it's a new year, I decided to give my mind and my self a revamp.  I've spent the last bit of December working myself up into a state of readiness, convincing myself I need to do this, getting ideas and information, and changing how I see things.  

Yes, I'm talking about the stereotypical New Year's Resolution of weight-loss.  Weight is weight, regardless of how it was gained, through gluttony and inactivity, or thanks to medications.  And I decided it's time to do something about it, instead of enviously looking at my thin friends wishing I could be them, hiding from cameras, and avoiding going out because I feel so crap about myself.

So I've reinstated my 'myfitnesspal' account, to keep a more productive food diary, and I've begun a new tumblr account (as if 2 wasn't enough already!) dedicated to this.  In the tumblr-verse, this is called a fitblr.  It's helped a lot already.  I've learned so much.

Isn't it ironic that the very tools we use to help us lose weight involve extended periods of inactivity in front of a computer screen to keep them up to date.  It's bizarre.

Anyway, my goal is somewhat realistic.  My deadline is this time next year.  I want to do the cool progress pics, putting ugly beside pretty, so I can ooh and ahh over how I've changed.  I want to look back and say 2013 was well spent (besides being my final year at university).  

A year is a long time.  

365 days.  

If I walked 1 km a day, I'd walk 365km by the end of the year.  That's a lot.  And I think I can do it.  By December 31st 2013, I want to be 70kg, or less.

I'm not being unrealistic, everything in moderation etc.  No starvation.  And no ridiculous diets.  

For example, today, I wanted brownie that I baked yesterday.  So I entered the recipe into myfitnesspal which calculated how many calories were in it, and then I had a piece.  I just watched the rest of my calories for the rest of the day.  No biggie. 

Tomorrow will be better, because I have work (which is insane, activity wise... I always have to shower when I come home) and there is no more brownie left (thank you mum and dad for removing temptation).

I am also going to look up good snack ideas, and healthier baking recipes, so I can make stuff and still write my food blog.

Wish me luck!! I'm excited, and I hope you will support me on this journey!

HAPPY NEW YEAR xxx

You Know You're Getting Old When...

... your friends start having babies on purpose.

And getting engaged.

And getting married.

And moving in together.

And planning weddings.

And beginning careers.

And being done with uni.

And having boyfriends...

Ugh.  I know I shouldn't compare myself to others because it never ends well, but its like, they're all engaged, or in long term relationships, doing all or some of the above, and I am happy for them, I really am. 

But here I am, sitting at home, with 3 cats.  #foreveralone much?  (I'm sorry, I promise I'll never use a hashtag again on blogspot... it's just heinous, but you can't write that phrase without a hashtag... it's just not right).  Single for 2 years.  Not that I neeeeed a man.  But it would be nice sometimes you know?  To stop showing up to things alone.

Sometimes I feel like I'm emotionally stunted or something.  Like there is some big conspiracy about relationships that everyone else gets, but it just baffles me.  I feel like Sheldon haha!  (Big Bang Theory reference... sorry if you're not a fan). 

I get some comfort in the fact that Taylor Swift is the same age as me and also hasn't settled down yet... but at least she's had relationships haha!  What else would she write her music about!? :P

Sigh.  I hope something will happen one day.

Lost.

What do you do with yourself when the things with which you occupied your time are suddenly gone?  Most normal people would embrace summer, when uni/school stops, when you get a chance to breathe before delving back into the madness of semester time full of assignments, work, reading, study, and such.  They'd hang with friends, work, tan, shop, have fun, drink, party, live.

I kind of feel at a loss as what to do.  Then our internet stops working (small town problems) and I feel like I've lost a limb!  Especially when waiting on news from a loved one about major surgery, with minimal other means of communication!!  Anyway, I deviate.

I'm not bored, don't get me wrong.  I go for a walk every morning with my mum, our dog, and our neighbour.  I'm learning more about the town I now call home (albeit reluctantly at first) and exploring different parts.  

I do most of the cooking, and baking at my house at the moment (and probably for the foreseeable future) because of my mum's dicky knee and hand.  

My friends have been wonderful coming over to visit, each mostly staying the night on our blow up mattress, and watching movies and stuff because I can't afford to take them all out to do stuff.  But usually it involves frozen yoghurt, and boutique chocolate shop.

I'm working most weekends, which I really love - I work with amazing people and we always have such fun.  I'm looking forward to the whole summer with them.

It's just... everyone is doing stuff.  And I'm at home.  Doing nothing more than working a few shifts per weekend.  And I'm getting cynical and angsty and blah.

I don't even know what the point of this post was.  I got distracted half way thru writing by the season finale of Cougar Town (guilty pleasure).  So yeah.  Lost my train of thought.  Sorry.

The Eternal Optimist

I seem to be able to be really optimistic for other people.  I always tell them what the bright side is, or the silver linings to their conundrums.  I can easily find good things in other peoples' situations, and I'm glad I can help them like that.

But I really can't seem to see my own.  Huh.