2013

I am posting on the first day of 2013.

How auspicious. 

I like odd numbered years, they seem to be better years for me than even numbered years.

Since it's a new year, I decided to give my mind and my self a revamp.  I've spent the last bit of December working myself up into a state of readiness, convincing myself I need to do this, getting ideas and information, and changing how I see things.  

Yes, I'm talking about the stereotypical New Year's Resolution of weight-loss.  Weight is weight, regardless of how it was gained, through gluttony and inactivity, or thanks to medications.  And I decided it's time to do something about it, instead of enviously looking at my thin friends wishing I could be them, hiding from cameras, and avoiding going out because I feel so crap about myself.

So I've reinstated my 'myfitnesspal' account, to keep a more productive food diary, and I've begun a new tumblr account (as if 2 wasn't enough already!) dedicated to this.  In the tumblr-verse, this is called a fitblr.  It's helped a lot already.  I've learned so much.

Isn't it ironic that the very tools we use to help us lose weight involve extended periods of inactivity in front of a computer screen to keep them up to date.  It's bizarre.

Anyway, my goal is somewhat realistic.  My deadline is this time next year.  I want to do the cool progress pics, putting ugly beside pretty, so I can ooh and ahh over how I've changed.  I want to look back and say 2013 was well spent (besides being my final year at university).  

A year is a long time.  

365 days.  

If I walked 1 km a day, I'd walk 365km by the end of the year.  That's a lot.  And I think I can do it.  By December 31st 2013, I want to be 70kg, or less.

I'm not being unrealistic, everything in moderation etc.  No starvation.  And no ridiculous diets.  

For example, today, I wanted brownie that I baked yesterday.  So I entered the recipe into myfitnesspal which calculated how many calories were in it, and then I had a piece.  I just watched the rest of my calories for the rest of the day.  No biggie. 

Tomorrow will be better, because I have work (which is insane, activity wise... I always have to shower when I come home) and there is no more brownie left (thank you mum and dad for removing temptation).

I am also going to look up good snack ideas, and healthier baking recipes, so I can make stuff and still write my food blog.

Wish me luck!! I'm excited, and I hope you will support me on this journey!

HAPPY NEW YEAR xxx

You Know You're Getting Old When...

... your friends start having babies on purpose.

And getting engaged.

And getting married.

And moving in together.

And planning weddings.

And beginning careers.

And being done with uni.

And having boyfriends...

Ugh.  I know I shouldn't compare myself to others because it never ends well, but its like, they're all engaged, or in long term relationships, doing all or some of the above, and I am happy for them, I really am. 

But here I am, sitting at home, with 3 cats.  #foreveralone much?  (I'm sorry, I promise I'll never use a hashtag again on blogspot... it's just heinous, but you can't write that phrase without a hashtag... it's just not right).  Single for 2 years.  Not that I neeeeed a man.  But it would be nice sometimes you know?  To stop showing up to things alone.

Sometimes I feel like I'm emotionally stunted or something.  Like there is some big conspiracy about relationships that everyone else gets, but it just baffles me.  I feel like Sheldon haha!  (Big Bang Theory reference... sorry if you're not a fan). 

I get some comfort in the fact that Taylor Swift is the same age as me and also hasn't settled down yet... but at least she's had relationships haha!  What else would she write her music about!? :P

Sigh.  I hope something will happen one day.

Lost.

What do you do with yourself when the things with which you occupied your time are suddenly gone?  Most normal people would embrace summer, when uni/school stops, when you get a chance to breathe before delving back into the madness of semester time full of assignments, work, reading, study, and such.  They'd hang with friends, work, tan, shop, have fun, drink, party, live.

I kind of feel at a loss as what to do.  Then our internet stops working (small town problems) and I feel like I've lost a limb!  Especially when waiting on news from a loved one about major surgery, with minimal other means of communication!!  Anyway, I deviate.

I'm not bored, don't get me wrong.  I go for a walk every morning with my mum, our dog, and our neighbour.  I'm learning more about the town I now call home (albeit reluctantly at first) and exploring different parts.  

I do most of the cooking, and baking at my house at the moment (and probably for the foreseeable future) because of my mum's dicky knee and hand.  

My friends have been wonderful coming over to visit, each mostly staying the night on our blow up mattress, and watching movies and stuff because I can't afford to take them all out to do stuff.  But usually it involves frozen yoghurt, and boutique chocolate shop.

I'm working most weekends, which I really love - I work with amazing people and we always have such fun.  I'm looking forward to the whole summer with them.

It's just... everyone is doing stuff.  And I'm at home.  Doing nothing more than working a few shifts per weekend.  And I'm getting cynical and angsty and blah.

I don't even know what the point of this post was.  I got distracted half way thru writing by the season finale of Cougar Town (guilty pleasure).  So yeah.  Lost my train of thought.  Sorry.

The Eternal Optimist

I seem to be able to be really optimistic for other people.  I always tell them what the bright side is, or the silver linings to their conundrums.  I can easily find good things in other peoples' situations, and I'm glad I can help them like that.

But I really can't seem to see my own.  Huh.

Humbled.

I'm trying to be modest, but no matter how I say this, it's going to sound like I'm tooting my own horn, so here goes.  This semester, at my university, I have won three things.  THREE.  I normally win nothing, ever.  

And this is all the more shocking to me because it is university. 

I mean, I won things at school, nothing ever major, but still certificates and such, because there were 800 students in the school.  Total.  My chances of winning stuff for participation and 'endeavour' (f'in PC rubbish) were reasonably high.

I NEVER, EVER thought I would win ANYTHING from university, because there are around 22,000 students.  And I thought all of them would be way better than me at everything, that I would struggle through my degree, get to the other side, and begin working, having been a nobody at university, my only recognition being a piece of paper that said Hanna Jackson, Bachelor of Arts - Criminology and Anthropology.

Don't get me wrong, I kind of still AM a nobody.  But I'm a nobody with 3 awards.  While they may seem small, or trivial, they seem big to me because they come from university.  Which is way harder than school, and more competitive.

Let me set the scene.  It's February 2011, and I'm crapping myself because my first year of university is about to begin. I get there, I love it, hate my hall of residence because it was antisocial and I met pretty much noone.  

Flash forward to June, first semester has gone well, I passed with an A in one subject even!  I began to get sick in June.  Started the flare up that was to be my worst.  My grades fell, got worse, I wasn't even sure I was going to pass French (I did, with B-, I don't even know how), I finished my exam at the end of October and FLEW into full time work for summer.

Flash forward to New Years Eve, I'm bedridden for the next month, and not from any ill-fated drinking.  I'm so, so sick.  Then I started getting better in February 2012, after drs appointments, hopsital visits, medication and procedures.  My first semester of 2012 was concentrated on "getting better" and coping, all the while still working one day a week.

Now this semester, this is where the good stuff happens.  I quit my job, I'm in the swing of study, I decide to volunteer with the Disability Services to take notes for impaired students in my classes, because my friends are always telling me how amazing my notes are, so why not share?  I also decided to sign up with Disability Services myself, so that, should I ever need their help if I got really ill again, I'd already be signed up with them.  I viewed this as a sort of give and take relationship.  I was giving back by volunteering.

Fast forward to October, and I get an email informing me I'm receiving an "Outstanding Volunteer of the Year 2012" award for my note taking.  This blew me away, firstly because at that stage, I'd only been notetaking for 7 weeks; not even the full year!  And also, getting recognition for something like this is so amazing.  And completely unexpected.  I got a lovely certificate, and a beautiful book (I REALLY LOVE BOOKS), and had a wonderful evening at the 'Council Chambers' at university, which I didn't even know existed but are really pretty, with nice food and my parents were even allowed to come - they were so proud.  There were ten of us who got the award, but it's still very special because I volunteered for the good of it, not for want of recognition.

Me with my Outstanding Volunteer of the Year Award 2012

Then, this week in Criminology class, it was our final lecture, and our lecturer puts up a slide in class announcing award winners, for like the best essay, and the best marks on the test, etc.  She gets to the category at the bottom, for "Contribution in Class"... and voila!  My name is there.  I'm sitting smack bang in the middle of the lecture theatre going "omg what?!" while my friends are laughing at me.  Apparently this award is given out based on feedback from tutors, and participation in the lectures (like answering questions and stuff) and from my tute, my tutor picked me and Lizzy, the lecturer, agreed!  WHATTTT.  So that was pretty cool.  Not majorly prestigious or anything, but to be noticed out of a class of 200-ish, is somewhat surprising.  I must really make an impact hahaha.  I also got a lovely block of chocolate as a prize hehe.  It's sitting in my drawer staring at me, going "eat me, eat me!"

Finally, today, something ELSE amazing happened.  A few weeks ago I had submitted an application for something called an Access Award, something you get given for overcoming adversity and illness/disability/impairment, approaching your study with a positive attitude, with marked improvement in your grades and results.  I wasn't sure about entering, since I personally don't consider Crohn's to be a disability, but it does affect my financial circumstances.  Anyway, I applied for this award thinking "I'm not sure I even qualify, so I'm not going to tell anyone I'm applying because then they won't be disappointed if I don't get anything, but I'll apply anyway because I have nothing to lose in doing so".  So I did.

AND I FREAKING WON.  There were several winners, obviously, but I won a part of it!  I get a sum of money toward financial costs/whatever I want.  I am SO happy because I've been so stressed about how I'm going to pay for the new tyres on my car (since I don't officially have a job at the moment) and this solves it!  And I'll still have a decent amount left over to put into my savings.  I actually cried when I got the email this morning because I genuinely didn't think I'd get anything, and was just kind of ho-hum about it.  

So these three things have made this semester my best semester so far, even if my grades have been a bit poor... (poor by my standards being under a B+ haha).  And I don't mean to be immodest by talking about it, but I'm just SO thrilled and ecstatic and wanted to finally share some good news on my blog, because there isn't enough good news in this world

For a Bit of Fun...

50 Questions You've Never Been Asked 

 

1. What's your favorite candle scent? 
I love vanilla or anything berry

 
2. What female celebrity do you wish was your sister?

Probably Taylor Swift... we'd have so much fun baking and talking about cats. :P  Katy Perry and Kate Walsh would be awesome older sisters.

 
3. What male celebrity do you wish was your brother?

Ooh I don't know.  Nobody hot, because it would be SO wrong to fancy them.  Maybe Jack Black or Steve Carrell cos they're hilarious.

4. How old do you think you'll be when you get married?

Old enough haha.  If it ever happens.  I hope late 20s early 30s?

5. Do you know a hoarder?

Not that I can think of.

 
6. Can you do a split?

Not anymore! :(  

 
7. How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?

Like 4 or 5?

 
8. How many oceans have you swam in?

I actually hate swimming in the ocean.  And I don't even know the names of the ones I've swum in haha but I've swum at beaches around NZ, also South East Asia, Greece, France...

 
9. How many countries have you been to?

Now this I DO keep tabs on!  I've been to 29!

 
10. Is anyone in your family in the army?

Yes my Dad used to be.  

 
11. What would you name your daughter if you had one?

Cadence, or Cassidy for first names.  Lily (for my Nan) or Gabriella (for my Mum) for second names.

12. What would you name your son if you had one?

I don't know!  Maybe something traditional.

 
13. What's the worst grade you got on a test?

Ohhh uhm.  I got a C for an assignment at college last year.  From school, I failed some chemistry papers and statistics papers.  

 
14. What was your favorite TV show when you were a child?

Ooh I liked a lot.  I really loved Full House when I was younger.  And then Lizzie Maguire.

 
15. What did you dress up as on Halloween when you were eight?

We don't really celebrate Halloween in NZ, so I never dressed up as anything.

 
16. Have you read any of the Harry Potter, Hunger Games or Twilight series?

Only Harry Potter.

 
17. Would you rather have an American accent or a British accent?

British.  Duh.

18. Did your mother go to college?

No, not until she was in her late 30s, and she didn't complete it.

 
19. Are your grandparents still married?

Yes, both sets, although my Pop died in 2004.

 
20. Have you ever taken karate lessons?

No, but I took jiu-jitsu for a while.

 
21. Do you know who Kermit the frog is?

Of course!  He's the best!

 
22. What's the first amusement park you've been to?

Rainbows End in Auckland, NZ.

 
23. What language, besides your native language, would you like to be fluent in?

Well English is my native language, and I know a lot of French so it would be nice to be fluent in that, and also Spanish, because I wanted to learn that but my school didn't offer it, so I took French instead.

 
24. Do you spell the color as grey or gray?

Grey

 
25. Is your father bald?

No

 
26. Do you know triplets?

Yes

 
27. Do you prefer Titanic or The Notebook?

Well probably The Notebook, although I've only seen it once and I don't remember it terribly well.  But Titanic, it's just sooooo long!  

 
28. Have you ever had Indian food?

Of course - I love it!

 
29. What's the name of your favorite restaurant?

I don't have a favourite favourite, but I love Arzum Turkish Kebabs which is like half an hour from my house.  Amazing.

 
30. Have you ever been to Olive Garden?

No, didn't go there when I was in USA, and we don't have them here in NZ.

 
31. Do you belong to any warehouse stores (Costco, BJ's, etc.)?

We don't really have those in NZ either.  Probably the equivalent is Moore Wilsons, and I don't belong there lol.

 
32. What would your parents have named you if you were the opposite gender?

They actually hadn't picked a boys name, so lucky I came out a girl.  I was almost called Emma though.

 
33. If you have a nickname, what is it?

Little J, Han, or Hanna-Banana

 
34. Who's your favorite person in the world?

That's a hard one.  Just one person?  Can't do it.  Too many amazing people in my life.

 
35. Would you rather live in a rural area or in the suburbs?

I like suburbs, being close to friends and family and not having to travel 1/2 an hour for most things is nice haha

 
36. Can you whistle?

Yes

 
37. Do you sleep with a nightlight?

Haha no.

 
38. Do you eat breakfast every morning?

Try to!  I don't think I've skipped in a year or two.

 
39. Do you take any pills or medication daily?

Yes

 
40. What medical conditions do you have?

Crohns' disease, chronic compartment syndrome of the lower legs, RSI (or OOS) in my right wrist, asthma, eczema...

 
41. How many times have you been to the hospital?

Never been admitted overnight or anything, but I've been a few times as a day patient.

 
42. Have you ever seen Finding Nemo?

YES I love that movie!

 
43. Where do you buy your jeans?

Farmers

 
44. What's the last compliment you got?

That I'm have a beautiful soul and am an amazing friend.  *shucks*

 
45. Do you usually remember your dreams in the morning?

Only if they are really bad or really good.

 
46. What flavor tea do you enjoy?

Blackcurrant apple tea.

 
47. How many pairs of shoes do you currently own?

Not enough haha.  I have chucks, sneakers, jandals, like 2 pairs of sandals, wedges, high heels, boots.  That's it.

 
48. What religion will you raise your children to practice?

Whatever they want to practice.  I will let them choose to have one or not.

 
49. How old were you when you found out that Santa wasn't real?

Maybe when I was like 7 or 8?

50. Why do you have a tumblr? 

Because I can! :P And because I love making a space where it is totally me.

A Bit Lost

I'm not sure what's going on with me right now.

I do know I'm really mad at myself.

I do know I look like shit.

I do know I'm trying my best.

I do know that I want to cry at the stupidest, tiniest things.

I do know I'm stressed about uni work.

I don't know how to stop.

But I'm aware of this.  And I'm not going back to 2007.  Ever.