Tea & Scones

Mum & I met up with a friend for tea and scones yesterday, and the weather was gorgeous, and the scones were delicious, and the tea was so good.  It was a lovely day.  :)

Coming Clean

Well, here.  I'm going to say it.  Plain and simple.

I have Crohn's Disease.

I don't know who reads this blog really; as I have said in the past, I write it mostly for my own personal benefit.  But I want to copy & paste a passage here I just read in an article, that explains what it is in such an easy to understand way.

I really like this explanation, because it's short, simple, and concise.  I need to memorise it, so I can spout it off to anyone who asks about what I've been sick with.

"Crohn’s disease, a chronic bowel disorder that affects the gastrointestinal tract.

The disease ... usually manifests itself between the ages of 15 and 25. No one knows what triggers it, but it causes inflammation of the gut wall. Symptoms typically include diarrhoea, vomiting, weight loss, tiredness and anaemia. There is no cure, and many sufferers will require surgery to remove diseased areas of the bowel at some point in their life.

Weight loss is a common symptom of Crohn’s disease, which is why it is often mistaken for other conditions such as irritable bowel syndrome, says Dr Ian Shaw, consultant gastroenterologist at Gloucester Royal Hospital."

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2100786/Crohns-disease-Doctors-certain-I-anorexic-I-chronic-bowel-disorder.html#ixzz1mdBDrAsZ

So there we go.  

You have a name.  

I have nothing else to hide. 

Initially (like 4 years ago), I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis (another Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD) similar to Crohn's, but mostly affecting the large bowel, whereas Crohn's is the whole digestive tract from start to finish) but that's changed with my recent bout of sickness - reinvestigation led to rediagnosis... *sigh*

Anyway, I just wanted to write that concise explanation down, just for me to come back to in future, so I can remember it.  :)

Strange Happenings

Since I was super sick in January... my hair has been growing (obviously, duh) but it's changed colour. 

Strange happenings indeed. 

Naturally, I thought I was medium to dark brown, kinda the colour of my eyebrows.  But now my roots are growing back in dark blonde.

So guess who is dying her hair dark blonde right now...!  Omigosh, I haven't had light hair in years!  Not since I was like 15.  My friend Maithili always preferred me when I had lighter hair... she'll be happy now haha... hopefully it turns out ok! 

I just want my roots to match.

I really hope this doesn't turn into a repeat of the dying disasters I had when I was like 14... :/  Eep!  Wish me luck!

Absolutely, Positively

An interesting thing has been happening.  Since I started talking about my illness, and not hiding it like I have done for the past 4+ years, friends are coming out of the woodwork with all manner of lovely messages and support.  I feel incredibly blessed to have so many kind people in my life, and they have far surpassed my expectations in terms of how they react to me being ill.

The reason I never talked about my illness before is because I was scared that I would scare people away.  That they would put me in the "too hard" basket, that being friends with me would be too taxing, because they wouldn't understand what was happening with me.  You see, nobody talks about bowel health when we are young, or teenagers.  So of course, when I was diagnosed as having an inflammatory bowel disease, I was hideously embarrassed, and couldn't think of anything worse than telling my friends what was wrong with me.  Nobody likes to talk about poop.  It was bad enough that my teachers had to be told so that I could run out of the classroom without asking permission to leave.

Anyway, as I've matured, I've realised I couldn't hide it when I was having symptoms, particularly not when I spent the first 20+ days of January in my bed at home.  But I also came to realise that I don't care if people know.  I mean, I care, but I don't care what they think.  It may bother me that they don't understand, or that they can be a bit ignorant about it, but it has been kind of a relief to not have to hide it so much any more.  As time goes on, I'm more and more open about it.  My friend who has a similar illness (and whose support and friendship I couldn't live without now) has always been reasonably open about her illness, so I took a leaf out of her book, and decided if people can't get past the illness, then they're not worth being friends with anyway.

But I've been blown away.  Honestly.  It makes me want to cry with happiness at how supportive, and kind and caring people have been.  I am so touched.  The simple act of taking a few minutes to write me a message on Facebook, or to send me a text message, it all has meant so very much to me.  People I've not talked to much in years, or even people I've never been that close to, have come out and said "I'm here for you, I hope you get well soon".  People have been curious, as I expected, especially when I first came out and said "I'm sick, but I'm not ready to tell you all what with yet", and as time goes on, and I tell more and more people what I have (at this stage, I'm only doing this if they specifically ask), I'm finding it easier and easier to talk about.  It also makes me want to raise awareness, and to stop other people feeling like they have to hide illnesses too, because it wasn't easy pretending to be normal when I wasn't.

There has been a common thread though, with the messages from people I've had.  I don't tend to post links to this blog because it's more a personal blog, so I don't mind if nobody reads it, but I posted it a couple of times when I wrote my "Fresh Start February" post because I was feeling so good about a new start and wanted to share my enthusiasm, and reassure my friends that I'm still me, and I'm on the upswing.  Obviously a few of them have kept reading, and maybe they will read this too.  But I've had at least 3 people say to me now that I have amazed them with how positive and happy I seem to be, despite my illness, and that it's inspiring, and so great to see me living life to the full in spite of what may hold me back.  I don't feel like I'm being overly positive, or happy, it's not something I'm doing consciously... I do feel like I'm getting back to being myself.  So apparently, I'm a naturally positive happy person?  Or at least that's how I'm seeming to people haha!  This is not a bad thing, at all.  I just find it curious, and somewhat amusing that 3 people (who don't know each other!) all said the same thing, and they think my positivity is amazing.

Of course, there are days when I have pity-parties (this is where my friend comes in... we drag each other back up when we're feeling like hating the world and not wanting to come out from under the bedcovers ever again) and days where I think "Why me?"... but I try to keep those days at a minimum.  I indulge this a little bit, because we're all allowed to have days like that, but I don't want it to ruin my life.  I am in control, this is my life, I am in charge of my illness, it is not in charge of me, and I won't let it be.  I am stubborn and determined.  

There was a girl I met and chatted to a bit on Twitter, and she wrote a blog about things people can change in their lives, and things people can't change.  The blog changed the way I thought about my illness.  And it goes something like this...

I can't change the fact that I have an inflammatory bowel disease.  I will have it for the rest of my life.  But I can change how I let it affect my life, I can change how I deal with it, I can change how I approach life, and I can make sure I do everything in my power to have a normal life.  I may not be normal, but I'm certainly not gonna take it lying down.  :) 

Martinborough Fair Weekend 2012

One could say I've been slack, having not posted on *this* blog in 4 days (I've done foodie posts though :D http://hannasedibleescapades.blogspot.co.nz/ ) but actually, I've been out having a life!!  It makes a nice change from sitting at home on the couch all day every day (or in bed all day, when I was really sick) being lonely and bored, looking at "food porn" (hah! my new word for my obsession of browsing for new recipes on pinterest.com) all day.  

So what did I do this weekend?  Well, here's a summary! :)

Friday Night

I made a chicken curry in the crockpot for dinner (I did not write about this on my foodie blog - it was a) out of a packet and b) a bit of an epic fail cos even though it cooked for even longer than the 4 hours it specified, the chicken drumsticks were still pink in the middle so we had to microwave it extra -_- Not cool.) and then mum's friend Cathy (aka my 2nd mum) came over to stay the night... so we could all get up early and go out together on Saturday morning to a fair!


Saturday

The fair officially began at 9am, and it's advised to get there early to get a good car park, and also so you don't miss out on some of the specialties that have a tendency to sell out during the day, like the Swiss rosti and the Indian chickpea curry food stalls.  So we got there bright and early, and there were already lots of people there, which was surprising, but also not really, because it is a SUPER popular fair.  People come from all over the lower North Island to go to this fair.  Thousands of people.  It's massive.

We parked on the front lawn of our friends house (who live really close to the centre of the fair) and walked into town.  As soon as we started hitting the stalls, we were bombarded with amazing food smells, and such a range of amazing things to buy.  We'd barely gone 10 metres and Dad and I had bought some breakfast - Dad had a steak and egg sandwich (they put in like THREE meat patties and an egg!  Talk about value for money!) and I had a bacon and egg sandwich (they piled on the bacon too!  Massive!).  Then we stopped at a honey stall and Mum bought me some manuka honey - its normally super expensive, so to get a kg for about $15 was very reasonable.  And so the carrying of heavy items began!

The stalls are set up around the main square of a town, and so it's very easy to go around in a logical fashion, and you don't miss much.  We headed off to the left, because I knew from a past experience that there was a stall that sold Swiss rosti (like cooked, grated potato - like a plate full of hash brown!) and it was amazing.  So we lined up and got some, and then I turned around and bumped into a very good friend of mine and her boyfriend.  Stopped and chatted with them for a while and then realised my parents and Cathy had continued shopping without me, so raced off to try and find them.

It was like finding a needle in a haystack!  Once separated, it was very hard to work out where we all were.  Text messages were delayed, so ended up having lots of phone calls with each other during the day haha!  Anyway, I ended up finding my Dad, and we hung out for the rest of the day, and Mum and Cathy stuck together for the rest of the day.  It worked out well, because Dad and I were interested in looking at similar stuff, and Mum and Cathy were well matched for their browsing interests too.

So with Dad, I attacked the rest of the fair.  We bought and tried lots of food throughout the day, which we shared.  I'm going to write a list of what we had, because truly it was an international culinary feast!  And we didn't even manage to try the famous Indian chickpea curry that sells out, or baked potatoes, or Mexican burritoes - but what we did eat, we were so full we couldn't have fit it anyway!

• Swiss rosti - potatoey hash browny things!
• Spanish paella - rice dish with seafood (which Dad ate) and chorizo sausage
• American hot cinnamon donuts - amazingly warm, soft, yet crispy and crunchy
• Thai roti with peanut sauce, and chicken skewers
• Polish pierogi - like a little pastry case filled with mashed potato
• Polish sausage - just one bite, and the garlic repeated on me all day!
• NZ bacon & egg sandwich

There was also amazing fresh produce, and I ended up buying a box of cherries, and Dad bought a punnet of blueberries and strawberries - delicious summer fruits!

The other main aspect of this fair, aside from the food, is the crafts and things you can buy.  I loved browsing all the craft stalls with my Dad.  There was everything from jewellery, clothes, hats, ornaments, outdoor stuff, gemstones, wood work, candy, soaps, antiques, paintings, artwork, CDs, leather products, handmade crafts, knitting, crocheting, shoes, and more!  There's so much variety I can't even remember it all!  I've posted a picture below of some of the things I bought.

My loot!

My new dress! #impulsebuy

Because I've been sick, I was a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to walk around too much, but it was good, I managed to walk heaps, and not get too tired!  Overall I had an amazing day out with my favourite people, and I loved getting out of the house.  This is the first shopping I've done since BEFORE Christmas!  We also ran into SO many people we knew, which was nice to see them and catch up.  I was SO exhausted at the end of the night, my insomnia had absolutely no chance, and I slept like a baby!!

Sunday

Sunday was a day at home, doing bits and pieces around the house.  Dad went out for a motorbike ride (all day!) and Mum and I went over to the other side of the hill for some (more!) shopping.  We really needed to do the groceries, which I was very excited about because it's the first time I've been to the supermarket since I developed a new found passion for cooking.  I was very excited by the prospect of visiting the spice aisle, and spent ages looking at everything.  

We also went to the mall and I got some bits and pieces to send to my friend in America who is doing a project on New Zealand for his high school class, and I also got the latest book from one of my favourite authors, as well as a copy of "The Kings Speech" which we watched that night.  I was terribly impressed.  It's a great movie, if you haven't seen it, you really should!!

Monday

Monday here in New Zealand was Waitangi Day - a public holiday.  It's kind of like our national day.  We spent the day at home, and Dad's friend Keith, and our friends Tracy and Ashleigh came over which was nice.  We had a delicious BBQ lunch (with the most amazing steak I've had in a VERY long time... *drool*) and then Ashleigh and I chillaxed inside, while Dad, Keith and Tracy played music outside.  It was a very chilled out and relaxing day.

So overall, I had a WONDERFUL weekend! :) 

Winning

Yes, I realise the title of this post refers to the Charlie Sheen phenomenon of the word "winning".  But you know what, after my little triumph of last night, I'm pleased with myself enough to use it, and not care about the associations.

I beat my insomnia last night.  It may have had something to do with the fact that the night before last, I only slept 3 hours, if that (broken routine - doh!  Not making that mistake again!!!).  So I was over- tired (made me a bit hyper and manic during the day).  

BUT.  I went back to my routine of a cup of tea at around 10pm, going to bed at 10.30pm, reading for an hour (or until the words start wriggling) and turning my light out.  I don't even remember the clock clicking past midnight.  This is spectacular.  Really.  Truly.  Because normally, even with this routine, I haven't been actually sleeping until after 1am.  

Granted, I did get up at 8.20am this morning, but it was a good effort!  I feel less... hyper and buzzy today.  Like I've actually rested, and that my brain stopped talking to itself for a bit.  That's what I love about sleep - the oblivion, where its like your brain switches off, and you don't think.  It's like a big blank.  Like a resting station before the next day full of thinking.  

I think that's what drives me nuts about insomnia, is that I don't get that break from my own thoughts.

Fingers crossed I can repeat this performance tonight!

Sidenote: I read a really lovely quote on one of my friends statuses today, and I have to copy and paste it here, because I really like it.  And I want to remember it.  

to live doesn't mean you're alive

Things I Have Learned & Noticed.

I don't do deep and meaningful, you will learn this.  Not too deep anyway.  I like humour, I like to keep things light, and (hopefully) entertaining.  So this post is coming with a disclaimer - don't expect life changing revelations, or insight.  

It's just a trail of thoughts that were screaming around my brain at 3am, somewhat causing and perpetuating my (legal) drug-induced insomniatic state.  I felt like my brain was alight with things to fill a blog post of randomness today.  In fact, I wound myself up about it SO much that I couldn't sleep for the excitement of writing the post when I got up in the morning.  I also got excited about all the food I plan to bake/make today (and much to my delight, the weather is cooler and miserable, perfect for what I want to bake in the oven - comfort food!) but that's a whole other blog post.

It's like verbal diarrhea.  This could also come from the fact that I sit at home alone all day with only 3 cats for company, and a house painter (who I shouldn't interrupt from his work because that would be naughty, and not what my parents are paying him for, to listen to a silly 21 year old use her word quota for the day).  The cats, typically, are not good conversationalists.  And nine times out of ten, all the cool people to talk to online are out having lives, or working.

So now my blog gets to listen to me.  I think this is going to work well.  RIGHT.  To the list!!!  (I love lists.  This too, you will learn.)

ONE

I have learned that it is NOT a good idea to drink soda/fizzy.  I mean, when I first got sick, Sprite made me feel better, but soon the bubbles made me keep throwing up.  So I went off it.  But last night, I had a glass of Coke (first time in 2012!) and WOAH.  My tolerance for caffeine has gone WAY down.  So on top of the buzz from my medication that gives me insomnia, last night I also had caffeine.  Mistake #1.  Doh! 

Mistake #2 was going to bed at midnight, thinking that staying up (pinning like a mad thing) for the 2 hours I'd normally be lying in a dark room would maybe help me sleep better by tiring my eyes out more.  It didn't.  It just pushed the whole mess forward 2 hours, so instead of falling asleep around 1 am, I didn't fall asleep until 3am.  And of course, an hour after finally fall asleep, nature called.  *bloody hell*  Then another few hours awake, listened to my dad get up at 6am, and finally fell asleep again, only to have my wonderful (insert sarcasm font here) body clock wake me at 8.30am.  In conclusion, EPIC FAIL.  So, back to 10.30pm bedtime tonight.  Insomnia, you WILL be my bitch tonight.

TWO

I have noticed that I take twenty minutes at least, to eat a piece of toast with peanut butter on it.  I have no idea why, but it just takes me forever.  Super weird.

THREE

I realised that I like junk mail, a great deal.  It's like shopping, when you can't get out of the house.  I just got really excited by a huge pile of it sitting on the dining table.  I'm actually looking forward to looking at all the catalogues now and pretending I can afford stuff.  Weehooo that's my morning entertainment taken care of! :)

FOUR

I have noticed that people make comments about things they should either shut up about, or keep for their blogs (if they are that determined to make a big deal about it).  And I'm not meaning Facebook comments, I'm meaning real, legitimate comments to peoples faces.  Comments that have power over people, to damage spirit, to hurt feelings.  

Now this insight comes from two places.  I'll talk about the first one because it's personal, and the second one because I feel the need to say if it's not Thoughtful, Helpful, Insightful, Necessary or Kind (aka THINK before you speak) then don't freaking well say anything, because it's blatantly none of your freaking business!

First of all, it's a weight thing.  Why do people think it's ok to comment on another persons weight, but this only works in one direction.  People will only ever say something if you've lost weight.  The majority of people in this world would never say "Oh wow, you've gained weight" if they saw you and you had, so why is it socially acceptable to say the reverse? 

Somehow it's ok to say "Oh wow, you've lost weight".  I mean, to some it can be a compliment, but to me, at this time in my life, and given my previous states of being (aka fat, and now, not so much), it's more like a punch in the face, subliminally saying "Oh wow, remember you were fat last time I saw you, but something has changed and now you're not fat anymore, yay you!", and then they expect you to be bashful and say "oh yes, I've been dieting like a crazy bitch and working my ass off at the gym for two hours every day".  But it's awkward because they don't stop to think, maybe losing weight wasn't done intentionally, maybe it's a sign of something more serious.  I mean yes, mostly people are happy to lose weight and have people notice (especially when weight loss is their goal), but I just think people should keep their mouths shut, and say nothing one way or the other.  Less chance of hurting someone without realising it.  Commenting on other peoples weight should just be taboo, it's just safer not to say the W word.  (It is, however, perfectly acceptable to say things like "Oh gosh you're looking good!" or "Oh goodness you look amazing!" ;)  )

Maybe I'm being overly sensitive here, because I have lost weight, but not healthily and I look like a skeleton, but I don't know, something about that double standard just bothers me and I've wanted to write about it for a while.  Of course you are more than welcome to disagree with me, and to say so in the comments, but I'm not going to get into any arguments (that has happened before -_-  I don't do arguing.  This is my blog, I write what I think.)

And so, on a related note, but actually, I'm going to make this a new number, because otherwise number four is going to get an ego because I've written so much and its getting big... so...

FIVE

On the same train of thought, people should not comment on stuff that isn't their business.  Period.  End of story.  This stems from this show I've been watching following a girl called Katie, who was the victim of an acid attack (as in, a stranger came up to her and threw acid in her face) so she has horrendous burns all over her face, but anyway, she survived and worked hard to get to where she is today, healing inside and outside.  

She's started a charity for people with disfigurement, for support and everything, and it's amazing what she is doing.  So on this show, we get to meet some of the people with facial (and other) disfigurements that are to become ambassadors for the charity, and it tells us a little about them all.  And I've noticed, they often talk about how their whole lives (or however long they've had the disfigurement) people have made nasty comments about it.  Like there was this one girl who had a genetic disorder which meant her bones fused in her head, so she's had countless surgeries her whole life to pull the bones apart and expand her head so her brain could grow and to reconstruct her face, and to save her life!  She's been through so much, and then to hear that people would say to her as she grew up "Oh you shouldn't be out of the house looking like that" or "You're ugly".  WHO SAYS THAT?!  Seriously?! To someones face?!  What kind of people are there in this world, that think they have a right to judge beauty?  They have NO idea what she has been through?  It made me so mad on her behalf that people can be so insensitive, and treat people so differently just based on appearance.

And it's common!  People feel they have a right to comment.  And it's simple.  They don't.  They have absolutely no right at all. It's not their place.  Everyone deserves to be treated equally, you wouldn't say "you're ugly" to your friend, why is it ok to say it to a stranger, just because you don't know them?  And actually, this girl wasn't ugly at all, she was different to look at, yes, and she was also beautiful.  

But this brings me back to the THINK before you speak.  And the old adage of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all".  This poor girl is terrified to leave her flat because of comments from ignoramuses like the people who make those comments.  People need to shut the hell up.  It would save so much pain, and to treat others how they want to be treated themselves.  Plain and simple.

Ok, I'm getting down off my high horse now.  And I think I've rambled enough for today.  Congratulations if you read this far, I commend you.  But really, I feel much better having gotten four and five off my chest.  *breathes a sigh of relief*

Happy days!  I'm going to go bake now.  :)

EDIT: I just realised I did get a bit deep and meaningful haha... sorry.  My disclaimer lied.  Just a little bit.

EDIT #2: Ok, so my point number four about people commenting on my weight, I just want to clarify, it upsets me when it's people I barely know who comment on my weight.  My close friends and family, I know they say it because they care and are worried about my sudden change in appearance so that's ok, but like people who barely know me?  No.  That's what's uncool.  People who say it specifically because they expect me to turn around and say "yes I've been dieting and exercising mentally to get like this".