That Sinking Feeling

When you know someone doesn't care anymore, but you just can't let go.  

It doesn't help that when one of your favourite quotes is "when you feel like giving up, remember why you held on so long in the first place".

I'm determined to get to the bottom of this one day, but for now, I'm left hanging, wondering why.  Why it's so hard just to text back, or email back, or call me.  I'm tired of making the effort.  I'm almost as my ultimate giving up point. 

sigh.

Untouchable

We've just had a 3 day weekend.  They really are the best.  Next semester I have no classes on a Friday, so it will be like this EVERY weekend.  But enough about that.  That's not the point of this blog. 

The point of this blog is the fact that over the space of this weekend, nobody has contacted me.  Perhaps because I don't really have any/many friends and they are all too busy enjoying their own long weekends.

But it's been nice.  Really nice.  Not a single text message, nor going on Facebook chat.  It's relaxing.  I think I'll go back to my habit of never going on FB chat unless someone wallposts me that they are online and want to talk to me... thats how I used to be.  Can't remember why I stopped.

I think I was always online because living alone in town is lonely, and I liked to chat to people online, but it wasn't very productive.

So for now, I remain, to a degree, uncontactable...

...and untouchable.

It's Kind of Sad...

...when you leave the radio on all the time just for company.

...when you spend far too much time on Facebook for company.

...when you thought you would like living alone.

Oops.  I was a bit wrong.  Maybe that's why I like being home on the weekends so much.

Feeling a Bit Worthless.

I thought the whole "uni" thing was going well, I was making new friends, I was maintaining old friendships.

Turns out hardly any of my friends, new or old, can be bothered to come to my 21st party.  Or said they were coming, so we ordered enough catering, then turned around and made excuses.

It just makes me feel a little bit worthless... and I kind of want to cancel the whole thing.

I guess I just need to focus on the people who are going out of their way to come, like my Aunty, coming from 1hr flight away just for me. <3

A New Kind of Pressure.

When I was 14, I got into a bit of trouble, and that was peer pressure.  I thought if I didn't do it like everybody else, I would never be accepted, I'd always be the freak on the outside.  Needless to say, it didn't work, all that happened was a lot of trouble, and a long time of being grounded.

I thought, foolishly, that at 20, nearly 21, peer pressure would be but a distant memory, something long in the past that I learned from, and would never let influence me again.  I also figured that people at my age and older, would be way past this stage of trying to dictate what others should do.

How wrong could I be.

I may be 20, but apparently what people say still affects me.  I may say I've learned my lesson, but with what has been happening, I'm not so sure I have.  But then again, who says society and the people who are pressuring me are right in the first place.

What I am talking about, is NOT illegal, so don't go thinking terrible things.  It's to do with the simple thing of moving out of home.  There is NOTHING wrong with living at home at 20 years old.  Especially when you are a full time university student, and the government barely gives you enough to live off each week.  But this is not what I've been hearing.

I moved into a university hall of residence, even though my house is only 45min train ride from uni, because everyone said it was a good idea, that it was time I left home, that I should be getting more independent.  I was reluctant, not terribly keen, but I relented because I figured it would be better to live closer to uni, and not have to commute and deal with when my parents move house.

As for being independent?  Well EXCUSE me, but I was incredibly independent for 2.5 months when I was in Europe, I can take care of myself, I'm not stupid, I'm not immature.  Did anyone think to even ASK me if I liked being at home?! No!  I in fact DO like being at home.  And being semi-forced out was not pleasant.  Now I'm stuck with the task of trying to get out of a year long contract so I can move home because it is cheaper (my room rent is highway robbery, and I can't afford it for the rest of the year.  End of Story.).

Now don't get me wrong, my parents are perfectly happy to have me living at home, it will be good for all of us, and much cheaper, seeing as they are actually having to help me pay for this stupid room.

I'm just EFFING SICK of people telling me that I'm too old to live at home!  EVERYONE does it these days.  It's not a bad thing.  So back the freak off okay? I want to live at home, my parents have NO problem with it, it's none of YOUR business, so shut up and leave me alone.  I'm not WEIRD.  You are for being stuck in the mindset that at 18 you should pack up and ship out of home.  These days, that isn't the norm as much.  So stop making me feel bad for wanting to move back home, and do something that is RIGHT for me for ONCE in my life.

Kthanksbye.

I guess I should fill you in...!

Well.  My absence of blogs has been unnoticed by most, but for those who do read it, I feel obliged to update you on, well, my life!

So, I'm in week 2 of my university life, and I LOVE it.  So far.  Ask me again in Week 6, and I might tell another story.  

But at this point and time I am really enjoying it.  Learning, instead of working.  Making friends, instead of sitting at my desk all day in front of a computer.

Seriously, I've made so many friends, I'm so glad.  I was told I would find it hard, but really, I haven't.  I've totally gone out of my comfort zone, I've made it habit to introduce myself when I sit next to someone new in lectures, I go up to people who look lonely or lost and say hi, I always end up seeing someone I know.  It's great.  

And then there are the people who I was in the same year group with at high school, who are now 2 or 3 years ahead of me because they didn't take gap years like me.  And you know what?  It doesn't bother me one bit.  That's cool, they wanted to study.  I didn't want to. That's cool too. But now I do, and it's great!  I still see these people, I run into them, and they seem genuinely surprised and glad to see me, like they thought I would never go to uni.  It was always in my plan to go to uni, I just wasn't sure when! :)  NOW! :D

As for my living situation, well I decided very last minute that over-the-hill wasn't going to be so great for my first year, in fact, it would have been so different, all that commuting, and not having flexibility with my time.  Instead, I've moved into the central city, and while it has it's downfalls (a daily 4.30am greeting from the rubbish truck, drunk people yelling and screaming on Weds/Fri/Sat nights...) for the most part, it's pretty cool.  

I'm so CLOSE to everything.  Seriously.  Video store for cheap rentals, night clubs (but if you know me, I don't tend to go clubbing!), supermarket 200m away, and a building full of potential friends (107 other people to be exact! When full of course, which it isn't right now, but it will fill up some more soon!).  Also close to bus/train back home, as well as around the city, where there is soooooooo much to do.  It's self catered, which sucks a little bit when I can't be bothered cooking, but that's ok.  If I don't cook, I don't cook.  I eat toast for dinner.  It won't kill me haha.

So that's about it for now, hopefully I won't leave it so long between now and my next blog!

Hope the world is treating you all kindly.

xx

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